


sometimes, you gotta be bold

by illay



Series: that one basic college au [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Coming Out, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Texting, Unspecified Setting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 09:17:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18962341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illay/pseuds/illay
Summary: “I’m Yukhei, chem sophomore,” his smile is blinding, but Jaemin would probably sacrifice both his retinas if it meant this smile would be the last thing he sees.Jaemin leaps one big step towards him, shaking his hand, “I’m Jaemin, in arts. I’m a freshman,” Jaemin laughs awkwardly, “I mean, of course I’m a freshman, everyone in this building is a freshman, this is a freshman dorm, after all.” That was stupid, Jaemin should stop talking.





	sometimes, you gotta be bold

**Author's Note:**

> Jaemin's take on their freshman year.  
> can be read also if you havent read infatuation situation although the plotlines overlap

🍬

Their door is opened because that’s apparently the custom first day in the freshman dorm, at least that’s what their RA, Johnny, advised, “If you’re here to make friends, which is highly encouraged by the way, keep your door open today.”

And so, their door is opened, because they are definitely here to make friends, at least that’s the approach Donghyuck’s had and Jaemin is ready and willing to follow.

Donghyuck’s just slipped out to go see Jeno and his roommate probably, when suddenly a tall, really hot guy appears in their doorway with an armful of various books and papers, “Oh, hi, I’m here for Donghyuck, dunno if this is him,” he looks around their room, looking for the other occupant, wide smile on his lips.

Jaemin shakes out the shock, pulls his gaze away from the boy’s arms straining under the weight of all the books, “Uh, yeah, he’s not here, but this is him. He’s probably three doors down at Jeno’s, if you’re looking for him.”

The boy shuffles his feet in the spot, “Ah, I just need to drop these off, actually.”

Jaemin motions towards Donghyuck’s desk, “Oh sure, sure, yeah, come in.”

The boy drops all the things on Donghyuck’s desk and extends a hand towards Jaemin, “I’m Yukhei, chem sophomore,” his smile is blinding, but Jaemin would probably sacrifice both his retinas if it meant this smile would be the last thing he sees.

Jaemin leaps one big step towards him, shaking his hand, “I’m Jaemin, in arts. I’m a freshman,” Jaemin laughs awkwardly, “I mean, of course I’m a freshman, everyone in this building is a freshman, this is a freshman dorm, after all.” That was stupid, Jaemin should stop talking. He’s thankful when Yukhei speaks again.

“Arts, huh? That’s cool,” he says with a smile, a humored, curious quirk on his lips, “Well, tell Donghyuck I brought that over,” he motions to the stack of books on the otherwise clear desk, “It’s just some crap I had lying around I won’t be needing anymore, some of it also inherited from my upperclassmen last year,” Yukhei says with a small laugh.

Jaemin just stupidly nods with a dazed expression on his face, feeling like a total fool, unable to pull himself together.

“I’ll see you around, Jaemin,” Yukhei says with an attractive grin before leaving.

Jaemin just dumbly gives him a small wave, lips parted in an unformed greeting when Yukhei disappears into the hallways.

Jaemin tries to shake it off. He gets crushes so easily, he’s managed to fall in love three times over the course of the last four days he spent on campus. Jaemin knows he’s easy - a tall boy with dark hair and a smile to die for? Jaemin is ready to proclaim his love for the individual.

That’s why this individual named Yukhei is nothing more than a quick crush like any other that Jaemin meets on daily basis.

🍬

Week and a half into the semester the classes have started picking up and Jaemin’s amount of assignments for one week equals roughly to what was required from him for his finals in high school. In other words: a shitload.

Jaemin is lucky the arts department supplies each student with their own studio space where he can find refuge and work in peace. One large room shared among four to six people, each getting their own little cubicle. Jaemin shares his studio space with one other freshman, Shuhua and some upperclassmen: Yuqi, Miyeon and Kun.

Jaemin finds himself going over to his studio one nice sunny afternoon. It’s early evening and the streets are still warmed up from the merciless sunshine during the day. He’s passing by the court where the basketball practice must have just ended a few moments ago, because there’s a handful of guys leaving the premises; sports bags slung over shoulders, hair still wet from the showers. Jaemin somehow mingles among them without trying to, all probably just going the same way.

At the very front he can see a guy in a huge hoodie and sports shorts listening to the animated chatter from a taller dark-haired boy, familiar back in Jaemin’s line of sight. He’s just as hot as Jaemin remembers him.

Jaemin ends up following the small crowd until some of them disappear one by one into the corner store by the arts department building. Jaemin stops by at the vending machine nearby, fumbling for some coins, eyes still darting back to the store to see when the object of his latest crush is about to reappear.

The snack Jaemin’s picked at random from the vending machine rattles to the dispenser shelf, startling him. He munches on it in silence, phone in his other hand, pretending to pay attention to it, but all the same while watching the group of basketball players just few meters away from him.

Jaemin remembers Yukhei and his smile, the way the dark hair falls into his eyes. He tends to idolize his crushes over time; his memory morphing into a more attractive form. But that isn’t the case with Yukhei, Jaemin realizes. Yukhei is just as handsome, if not more so; his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he’s downing his sports drink in a few gulps, arms that could probably bench press Jaemin’s body weight and slim waist. Just a stupidly attractive jock.

It’s a bit infuriating. Jaemin promised to himself he wouldn’t behave like a pathetic schoolboy in love anymore. Not over older guys, let alone older straight guys. He’s done enough of that in high school. And although some of it was fun, more often than not it wasn’t good for his mental and emotional well-being.

He feels his heartbeat pick up, when he thinks the guy Yukhei is talking to sees him looking over. Jaemin quickly bores his gaze into the phone, scrolling furiously through a feed of the random app he’s opened.

The boys disperse soon after, and Jaemin doesn’t chance shooting another glance their way, scared to be found out, although he hasn’t really been doing anything wrong. What today showed him, was a side of himself he didn’t want to see again. Getting a crush on an unattainable, more or less random guy and pining after him.

Stupid.

🍬

“Dunno how, but Jeno persuaded his boring-ass roommate to hang out with us. We’re getting the drinks for Saturday, okay?” Donghyuck looks up at Jaemin from where he is lying on his bed with his phone, playing games while Jaemin’s doing some reading for class. “Jeno promised they’ll be getting the drinks next time. Although to estimate how reliable that is…. Well, let’s just say the boy likes to drink on someone else’s budget.” Donghyuck shrugs and again turns his attention to his phone.

Jaemin fixes him with a stern look that Donghyuck ignores in favor of his game, “His name is Renjun and we’ve met, come on. Just because his idea of fun isn’t always getting plastered doesn’t mean he’s boring. I actually really appreciate him, you and Jeno could only benefit from having a calmer nature like him around.”

Donghyuck scoffs putting his phone aside, and sits up on his bed, “Okay, okay, mister goody two shoes. You’re both boring as fuck actually. Whatever. Jeno and I are stuck with you for this year at least, so we decided to tolerate you and let you hang out with us.”

Jaemin laughs, “Please. You love and adore us both and I can totally see you both moping like little boys if we were to leave you two to your own devices.”

“Whatever,” Donghyuck grumbles, “We’re getting the drinks, yeah? I’ll make sure they’ll hold their end next time.”

Jaemin laughs, underlying something in his textbook not showing Donghyuck his humored expression, “Yeah, yeah sure, let’s play nice hosts.”

🍬

Jaemin makes fun of Donghyuck often, the doting goes always both ways; but in reality, he appreciates the initiative they have with Jeno - making a proper friends group out of the four of them. And so, he happily contributes to the tight budget for drinks they have for the upcoming Saturday.

There is small talk with the first round of drinks, a board game with the second to fifth rounds and a general mess with the sixth round and onwards. A game of 20 questions of sorts.

“Okay, okay, hottest person in our major,” Jeno challenges Donghyuck.

Donghyuck closes his eyes, as if trying to assess the hotness of his schoolmates. “Uh! I know, I know!” He looks at Jeno and snaps his fingers a few times, searching for the name in his memory, “Soojin.”

Jeno smirks, “Good answer, I’ll drink to that,” and they both down another shot each.

Jaemin also takes a sip from his drink, trying to drown the worry that bubbles up in this throat when he imagines being asked the same question. He wants to be friendly, but maybe he doesn’t want to disclose everything just yet.

Donghyuck throws his arm around Renjun’s shoulders, “What about you? Hottest girl in agro?”

Renjun makes a grimace and shrugs at him.

Jeno tsks at Donghyuck, “Come on, Renjun doesn’t dwell on these things. You gotta rephrase, dude,” to Renjun he asks, “Is there anyone you’d like to court?”

Donghyuck laughs loudly, “Court! Dude, you’re impossible. Okay, okay, another try. Renjun, any girl you’d like to take on a date?” Donghyuck and Jeno exchange a glance, agreeing without words this was the correct phrasing.

Renjun just shrugs helplessly again, as if he was apologetic he doesn’t have a satisfactory answer, “I never even liked any girl, I think,” he admits after a beat, looking at the ground between his toes.

“So boys then!” Donghyuck suggests in a booming voice as if he just thought of a revolutionary idea. After a moment that Renjun doesn’t fill with protest, Donghyuck asks, “Is it boys, Renjunie?” His tone sounds awfully like teasing, but a level elsewhere, Jaemin can’t quite place it.

“Oh my god, it’s totally boys, isn’t it?” Jeno asks with awe. Not accusatory, not teasing, simply curious.

Renjun looks up at Jeno, as if expecting a sentence from the jury. With Donghyuck’s arm still around his shoulders, he just says, “Well, I’m not interested in girls. Never been really,” Jeno’s face doesn’t really betray any emotion at all for a moment, so Renjun continues after averting his gaze, “And I dunno, don’t really like anyone right now.”

Donghyuck pulls Renjun closer and shakes him by the shoulders, “Cool, so no one worth your attention currently, got it,” Donghyuck clings his glass with Renjun’s half-empty one and the topic is closed for the time being.

Jaemin watches all this as if from behind a one-way see-through glass, totally disconnected from the scene itself. On the one hand, he’s envious Renjun has just had it this easy with both Donghyuck and Jeno, on the other hand the irrational part of his brain is telling him he wouldn’t be so lucky. Jaemin, unlike Renjun, also fits the stereotype. And being the token gay kid is the last thing Jaemin’s wanted for his college life.

🍬

Jeno is over at theirs a lot. It’s not a bad thing, Donghyuck and Jeno are fun to be around. Jaemin is a little envious of their chemistry - met just during the orientation week, found out they’re in the same major and come from the same district, and have been attached at the hip ever since.

Jaemin likes spending time in their company, their conversation is always light and almost never requires Jaemin’s input. Also, another advantage, if it can be regarded as such, to having Jeno over so often is Jaemin’s newest infatuation - Jeno himself. Jaemin’s found him handsome since the first time they met and so having him in his field of vision is always welcome.

Jeno is lying on Donghyuck’s bed, a graphic novel in hand above his face, eyebrows drawn together in concentration, foot bouncing up and down. His phone pings and Donghyuck’s follows, probably with the same notification. Jeno just frowns in the direction of his phone but decides against putting down the novel when he sees Donghyuck reaching for his phone.

“Soyeon says there should be a lab drill next Wednesday,” Donghyuck announces.

Jeno scoffs, “What the fuck is a lab drill anyway? And why would we care, she’s two years above us, I don’t care about her labs.”

Donghyuck turns to him in his chair, “Come on, you’ve heard of this from Yukhei before, surely. It’s supposed to be just a code name for like, drinking and getting high in their dorms, or something. Their RA is supposedly really chill with all this every once in a while.”

Jaemin’s hearing picks up Yukhei’s name and his curiosity is piqued.

Jeno puts the novel aside and sits up, “Drinking, you say?”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes, “You’re impossible. Yes, but everyone needs to contribute as well. It’s not all free, this time.”

Jeno shrugs in dismissal, picking up the book again, “Eh, never mind then. Parties are worth it only if the drinks are free.”

“Come on,” Donghyuck whines, “I know we’re both broke, but we can get something together, right?”

Jaemin clears his throat, it’s now or never, “Is this just for chem majors, then? This party or whatever?”

Jeno looks at him, a little bit of glee in his eyes, “Why, Jaemin? Would you like to pool in some money with us for something? And come with?” He’s looking at Donghyuck as he’s suggesting it, probably communicating by telepathy about whether this is a good idea or not. Donghyuck shoots Jaemin a persuading smile.

Jaemin shrugs, feigning disinterest, “I mean, sure, whatever. My Thursdays are mostly empty, so I can stay out on Wednesday.”

Jeno smiles triumphantly and claps his hands together, “Deal! I’ll text Soyeon we’re bringin’ a friend.”

And that’s how Jaemin works his way into the fake lab drill.

🍬

The lab drill itself wouldn’t be nerve-wrecking for Jaemin at all. He knows how to smoke a bowl and how to drink. To him the nerve-wrecking part is not knowing these people. He only knows Donghyuck and Jeno, and he’s not super tight with them, the two mostly stick together and Jaemin feels like an intruder most of the time anyway.

The lab drill, as this party of sorts is dubbed, takes place in one of the hallways in the dorm building three blocks away from the freshman dorm. Apparently, the hallway on sixth floor is occupied mostly by chemistry majors, mixed in with roommates from other majors as well.

It seems all inhabitants of the floor have ended up coming over to one of the two rooms with doors wide open at the end of the hallway. Two rooms facing each other are full to the brim, altogether maybe twenty - twenty-five people, some chilling also along the narrow hallway, sharp fluorescent light filling the space.

Jeno and Donghyuck went to see Soyeon and hand over their peace offering in the form of bottle of peach vodka and some beer, leaving Jaemin on his own. He goes more or less unnoticed by everyone until a girl with long strawberry blond hair comes sit next to him on one of the beds.

“Hey there, new face!” the girl smiles really bright at him, a gesture that Jaemin easily returns. “I’m Yerim,” she says before taking a sip from her drink, “Do you live on the floor?”

“Jaemin,” he responds, “And no, I’m in freshman dorm this year.”

“Oh! A freshman! That’s adorable. Okay, cool,” she gives him a once-over, as if assessing what to offer him. “Do you need a drink? Anything to smoke, or... maybe otherwise? Minnie supplies us with various things, I can hook you up.” She doesn’t stop smiling as she’s offering Jaemin drugs, which in a way intimidates him.

Jaemin just laughs awkwardly, “Alcohol is more than enough for now, thanks.”

She smiles at him and Jaemin thinks he can detect something like pity, or the way one would look at an adorable puppy that’s just pissed itself, “Okay, cutie, let’s get you fixed up then.” She stands up and brings Jaemin to his feet by his wrist, dragging him across the hallway to the other room full of people where she indeed fixes him up with a drink or two or three.

🍬

Jaemin gets introduced to some people. Soyeon pokes fun at him for intruding at a chem major party, but it seems lighthearted so Jaemin just laughs and laughs - not like he could do much else after who knows how many drinks at this point. Yerim keeps introducing him to more and more new faces; there is Sooyoung, a pretty girl with full cheeks and dark hair, then there is Soojin who keeps clinging to Soyeon, getting pets to her hair every now and then.

Yerim stops by to talk to more people, and Jaemin spaces out. From across the hallway he can see the bright smile of the stupidly attractive tall boy - Yukhei, talking to the guy he walked with from the basketball practice that one time. It’s been long enough for Jaemin’s crush to be completely gone. After all, his current number one is Jeno. He shakes his head, refusing to acknowledge the crush on Yukhei could still be lingering at the back of his mind.

When Yerim gets back, she bounces on the balls of her feet next to him, arm hooked with his elbow immediately, chatting to him about whoever she just spoke to when suddenly she goes quiet and turns her head to follow Jaemin’s gaze. She smiles knowingly, teasingly she asks, “Anything interesting over there?”

Jaemin jumps up in shock a little, being pulled out of his daydream by Yerim’s pointed stare. “No, no. Nothing,” he protests quickly, willing to do about anything to dispel Yerim’s skeptical but knowing expression.

“Jaeminie, it’s the 21st century, it’s totally chill if you like boys, you know that, right? Don’t give me that look,” Jaemin isn’t aware of giving her any sort of look but quickly trains his face into a neutral expression again, anyway, “I could see you checking him out,” she shoots a glance at Yukhei, looking him over from head to toe slowly, “I mean, I can see the appeal. Although, I like my girls the way I like --- actually that was the punchline, I think. I like girls. That’s it. That’s why I can’t fully sympathize here.” She giggles, taking another sip from her drink. Yerim is a giggly, happy drunk and Jaemin finds it really adorable, makes him feel at ease.

Yerim ends up clinging to Jaemin, slightly nuzzling into his side and Jaemin gives in and pulls her into a one-armed hug. Just how Jaemin finds crushes easily, he easily opens his heart and life to new friends; Yerim’s found her way in quickly through offering him drinks and coming out casually. Jaemin decides he’s ready to keep her.

Sooyoung, whom Yerim introduced to Jaemin before, stops by them and reaches for her, “Yerimie, don’t scare off the new boy, come on.”

She tries to pull Yerim away from Jaemin, probably not realizing he isn’t bothered at all. Jaemin just laughs and Yerim doesn’t budge, “No, he loves me. Look! He’s a good one,” she pouts back at Sooyoung.

Sooyoung deadpans and then looks at Jaemin who’s just giggling along, “You’re both useless. Dumb clingy drunks, have it your way, then.” She’s ready to leave them be when Yerim leaves Jaemin’s side to attach herself to Sooyoung instead.

Yerim looks back at Jaemin, “Bye bye, Jaeminie, I need to keep Sooyoung company now, otherwise she’ll sulk,” and with a small wave to Jaemin she leaves with Sooyoung. Jaemin thinks he can hear a faint, “I am not sulking.”

🍬

Jaemin ends up on his own, standing in the hallway by the door, unfinished drink in his hand. He finds himself in a drunken daze, the air stale with pot. He’s usually a happy drunk, that is, when he’s with people; just like the short time he spent with Yerim. But being left alone makes him feel off, weird, like his brain is catching up with the fact it’s drunk, and he is slowly shutting down.

What brings him back to earth is spotting Jeno taking a love shot with a boy Jaemin doesn’t recognize, Jeno’s face shining bright with a wide smile, eyes hidden in crescents. He’s really handsome, Jaemin realizes absent-mindedly. But not like Yukhei; nothing actually pulls Jaemin towards Jeno. He’s been seeing him around a lot and never felt actually nervous in his company, never actually daydreamed about talking to him in private, never has his mind lingered on him when they’re apart.

As fate or some other higher power would have it, just as Jaemin is coming back to himself, there is Yukhei coming into his field of vision walking with the shorter guy he’s been talking to before, and Jaemin momentarily freezes in spot, waiting for him to pass by.

“Oh! Donghyuck’s roommate! Jaemin, right?” Yukhei smiles at him, lopsided grin on his stupid handsome face.

Jaemin pretends Yukhei’s name hasn’t been on his mind since he’s heard it the first time all the weeks ago in their dorm room, “Yeah, I’m here with Donghyuck…. You’re the sophomore, right?”

Yukhei’s gaze drops to the ground as he lets a small laugh escape him, “Am I really that forgettable?” he looks back up at Jaemin with this almost smoldering look before laughing for real, big and comfortable, whole body shaking with laughter - Jaemin can’t look away, he finds. He is absolutely screwed.

Jaemin’s mind is a bit hazy with alcohol and the whole interaction goes a bit above his head, not really registering. Yukhei reintroduces himself and introduces Jaemin to his roommate, Mark. Soon, Donghyuck comes fetch him so they can go play some games with the girls in the other room. Mark mentions they’re leaving anyway, so they say their goodbyes and Jaemin notices Yukhei smiling at him a beat longer than casual, although that might be just Jaemin’s wishful thinking.

🍬

It’s a drinking game, because of course it is. Jaemin vows to drown his crazy heart in alcohol tonight anyway, so it’s just working out for him well. He’s tired of thinking of Yukhei’s face and imagining what kind of person he is and what kind of friend he is to Mark. Generally, Jaemin is just tired, so he decides to drink more.

He finds his place next to Jeno who shoots him one of those cute smiles of his, and Jaemin finds himself melting on the inside a little.

There is a bowl of pot being passed around and Jaemin takes a hit or two or three, watches Jeno and Donghyuck trying once but then sticking to drinks only.

The questions and dares are hard to follow and Jaemin is almost sure he’s lied at least twice but there is no one who could prove that, so it’s all chill, his autopilot answers will have to do.

It’s hard for Jaemin to tell how much time has passed because he finds himself leaning onto Jeno’s shoulder, maybe dozing off a little as well. Donghyuck shakes his shoulder at some point, “We gotta go, Jaemin, it’s hella late and whoever stays after two am helps clean up. None of us want that, right?”

Jaemin mumbles a small protest in response as he nuzzles closer to Jeno. From right above his head Jeno says to Donghyuck, “Boy’s drunk a lot, help me get him up.”

Jaemin protests that he can walk on his own just well enough. Navigating the hallways to the elevators proves to be difficult though, Jaemin would swear the hallway was straight before, and now it’s anything but.

Donghyuck helps hold him up on their way down, “Will you be okay? Aren’t you gonna be sick?”

Jaemin looks at him with a pout, “I’m okay. Will be sick though, always am. Don’t worry though, I’ll deal with it,” he offers this sleepy smile to Donghyuck, “don’t worry, no puking in the room.”

Donghyuck and Jeno exchange a glance before cracking up. They can’t really stop laughing as the elevator pings at the ground floor.

The walk through campus poses even more difficulties upon Jaemin’s walking abilities, what with the fresh air hitting his lungs, allowing his body to feel the alcohol another level stronger. Donghyuck just barely drags his feet at the back while Jeno and Jaemin walk in front, hanging off of each other.

“Hyuck, you’re awfully quiet for someone who’s just left a bomb lab drill,” Jaemin drawls more or less against Jeno’s shoulder.

“He always shuts the fuck up when he’s coming down from the alcohol induced high. Let’s just enjoy the silence,” Jeno exhales into the chilly night air, smile in his voice.

Jaemin finds himself clinging to Jeno’s side easily, it doesn’t even seem like Jeno minds, because he holds Jaemin up around his middle just as strongly. Doesn’t seem like he’s missing the personal space at all. Jaemin ends up looking up at him, admiring his side profile when Jeno’s gaze meets his, a toothy smile spreading on Jeno’s face.

“What is it?” he asks in a small voice, just for Jaemin to hear.

In a similar manner, Jaemin responds, still studying Jeno’s face up-close, “You’re pretty.”

Jeno’s expression shifts a little into smugness, “Am I?”

Jaemin presses even closer to him, and hums in agreement, “You are. Pretty smile and cute nose,” Jaemin pokes the tip of Jeno’s nose and they both giggle.

Donghyuck, obviously feeling left out, whines, “Hey, what’s so fun over there? Share the funnies, what the fuck, guys.”

Jeno spins in place to face Donghyuck, Jaemin still under his arm, “Here Jaemin thinks I’m pretty.” Jeno announces proudly and Jaemin keeps giggling into his side, holding onto the front of his jacket. As Donghyuck comes closer to them, Jaemin hides deeper into Jeno’s embrace, maybe out of embarrassment, maybe just to enjoy it a little longer before he gets busted.

“Pretty? This fucking loser?” Donghyuck asks pointing a finger at Jeno and they both laugh.

Jaemin doesn’t look at them, just plasters himself to Jeno, face hidden in his shoulder. “Pretty, your everything. Nice lips, too, surely well kissable” Jaemin doesn’t even register himself saying it, he only feels Jeno freeze up as he stops laughing and there are hands on his upper arms, pushing him away from Jeno’s body. Jeno holds him at arm’s length, regarding him curiously.

The blood in Jaemin’s veins burns with the need to run away. He looks from Donghyuck to Jeno, eyes flicking between the two, apology ready at the tip of his tongue, almost spilling - apologizing for being, for existing at all.

Donghyuck speaks first, “Jaemin?” he simply says his name, but something about the sound itself hurts in Jaemin’s lungs; it’s much harder to breathe than it was a minute ago when he was inhaling the smells of the party off Jeno’s jacket.

Jeno lets go of him, hands dropping to his sides, Jaemin’s gaze dropping to the ground. Jeno and Donghyuck exchange another series of glances in silent communication. After a while, Jeno’s voice hits Jaemin’s eardrums, “You’re like Renjun, right? You like boys, Jaemin?”

Jaemin is looking at the ground, unable to lift his gaze to them. He’s sure he’d crumble under a harder stare right now. “I meant to tell you. Not like this. I meant to, I swear.” He can feel the lump in his throat, one more word and he’ll probably cry. He doesn't get to voice the _I'm sorry_ that's been on his tongue for a while now.

Donghyuck enters his field of vision, his shoes do at least, as Jaemin is still looking at the ground, “That’s chill with me, though,” Jaemin looks up at him, sees Donghyuck shrug, “I thought that was obvious from how we reacted to Renjun.”

Jeno adds, “Yeah, I mean, you’re welcome to keep that to yourself, but also, it’s chill with us.” Both, Jeno and Donghyuck, look worried. Worried about what, Jaemin doesn’t understand, they don’t have anything to stress over here after all.

Jaemin bores his gaze into Donghyuck’s eyes, “Is it fine, though? We have to room together. And,” he says in small voice, almost whisper, to Jeno, “Are you sure? I promise I don’t crush on people for too long.” Jaemin thinks he should come clean about all his sins while they’re at it.

Donghyuck bursts into laughing, tearing apart the delicate bubble of worry around Jaemin’s heart. “This dumbass? And minding someone has a crush on him? Please! He’s lucky anyone, let alone someone like you, gives him the time of the day.”

Jeno just toes at some of the dirt on the pavement, smiling to himself.

“See?” Donghyuck points to Jeno, looking at Jaemin, “Fucker will be smug for days.”

All three of them end up laughing loudly by the entrance into the freshman dorm until someone from the first floor opens their window with a shout “IT’S TWO AM, SHUT UP AND GET FUCKED!”

🍬

The next time Jaemin sees Yukhei, he’s determined to figure out what it is that would pull him towards the sophomore so much. There must be something special, surely, to make Jaemin pine after him for weeks.

Jaemin is used to long lasting crushes - that is, if they retaliate. Were Yukhei to give him false hope that Jaemin could hang on, it would be understandable. Were Yukhei to promise Jaemin they can be together, in secret but still, it would be understandable. That’s how Jaemin’s crushes usually go. They’re either not reciprocated and thus die down quickly, or there is something from the other guy that makes Jaemin throw himself into an unhealthy obsession.

He doesn’t have either from Yukhei, though.

And so, when he spots him one day while he’s getting lunch with his friends, he keeps his eyes trained on him. Stupid, comfortable look in the form of shorts and a big white hoodie.

The conversation at his table is light, Jeno and Donghyuck discussing some of their assignments, Renjun pitching in with remarks about his upcoming midterms.

“First real exam period of our college lives,” Jeno says with his mouth full of pizza, ready to eat all his stress and feelings apparently.

“It’s just midterms, calm down,” Donghyuck pokes at his meal with a fork, cheek squished against his palm, boredom written all over his face.

“JUST midterms! Calm? Down?” Jeno exclaims, “Ha! I think I noticed gray hair already here,” he folds his ear and leans closer to Renjun sitting next to him, “Check it, Renjun.”

Renjun shoves him off with a grimace on his face, “Piss off, I don’t care about your hair. I barely have enough energy to care about my own grades, for fuck’s sake.”

Jaemin still watches Yukhei and Mark across the cafeteria, he sees them both from profile. They talk over their food, Yukhei’s shoulders slouched. If Jaemin knew him any better, he would say Yukhei looks a bit down, but since he doesn’t even really know him at all, he’s not saying that. At some point Yukhei suddenly sneezes loudly into his soup, the sound booming through the whole room, making a few heads turn. The liquids and bits of food fly off everywhere - Mark’s face is slack with shock, covered in soup, Yukhei’s hoodie is ruined. Yukhei’s (and Mark’s) reputation probably ruined as well.

Jaemin bursts out laughing, nearly spitting his own food in the process, too. Donghyuck next to him follows his gaze to the two sophomores, Renjun and Jeno following suit as well. Jeno’s shoulders shake with small snickers he’s trying to keep in, Renjun turns back to his food, shaking his head, “They’re impossible.”

Snickers and mocking whispers can be heard from people walking by as well.

“Isn’t that the guy who hits on literally everyone? Yikes.”

“Yeah, not a pretty sight anymore, right?”

Donghyuck just sighs, “I guess the most handsome ones just have to be unlucky in some way or another, universe is in balance,” and with a shrug his attention is back to his own food.

Jaemin watches Yukhei and Mark for a bit longer. Mark looks annoyed as he’s trying to get bits of Yukhei’s soup off his clothes and belongings, Yukhei’s hunched posture betrays something Jaemin hasn’t seen before. Yukhei looks embarrassed, sad even, eyes on his hands as he’s wiping his fingers over and over again, obviously just unwilling to look up.

Jaemin is sure this never happened, that he would see any of his crushes being this pitiful and still retain his fascination with them. There’s a 100% chance the infatuation for Yukhei is about to die down this very day. Jaemin is sure. It has to.

🍬

It doesn’t.

A few days go by uneventfully. Jaemin doesn’t have time to think about Yukhei, because he doesn’t really have time to think about any boys in general, what with the midterms just around the corner, he has his first big assignments to hand in.

One of his assignments is an actual written paper based on research and so he finds himself at the library one mid-morning. There aren’t many people in the study hall during this time of the day, but he does recognize one boy sitting solitary at a desk right under the window.

A hand buried in his hair, Yukhei is looking through handwritten notes, mumbling something to himself, eyebrows drawn together in concentration. Today’s stupidly attractive outfit consists of sweatpants, a white t-shirt and a light blue cardigan; an outfit choice Jaemin could never endorse. And yet. It’s all just stupidly attractive when it’s on Yukhei.

Their gazes meet and Jaemin smiles weakly, Yukhei acknowledges him with a nod and then uncharacteristically just curls back in on himself, sighing. Jaemin finds that curious and something pulls him over to Yukhei’s desk as soon as he finds the books he needs. Balancing two plastic cups of water on his stack of books he makes his way over to Yukhei.

He silently places one of the cups in front of him and shuffles the things he’s brought to the seat opposite and sits down.

Yukhei looks up, cheeks a little red, eyes bloodshot, lower lip very obviously bitten from the cold and also nerves probably. “Jaemin, hey,” he says, voice just a croak. In a weird way, it suits him, but in the big picture Jaemin can recognize the unattractive fatigue in his posture and look.

“Hey, you’re the chem sophomore, right?” he asks with a smile.

Yukhei’s corner of the mouth lifts in a small smile as well. He sits up straighter and extends his hand to Jaemin. “Yukhei. Nice to meet you. Again.”

Jaemin is smiling wide now and takes Yukhei’s hand, “Jaemin, but you knew that.”

Yukhei laughs quietly, “What will it take for you to remember my name?”

Jaemin pretends to think, lower lip jutted out, brows drawn together, “Hmm, dunno. I guess you’ll have to do more than sneeze your lunch all over Mark.”

Yukhei winces, realizing Jaemin’s seen that faux-pas, but in a second he smiles again. “Oh, so you remember his name, but not mine? Something tells me you’re a little tease, Jaemin.”

Jaemin shrugs, “Maybe,” he gives Yukhei one more smile before he gets to the books he got for his assignment.

🍬

Jaemin ends up with Yukhei’s number in his phone that day. Yukhei mentioned Johnny wanted to organize a little get-together and thought of also inviting Donghyuck and Jeno due to all three of them coming from the same town, and Yukhei’s figured the invitation extended to also their roommates. So that’s the excuse Yukhei uses when he takes Jaemin’s phone and inserts his number into his contacts.

As they’re packing up later that evening, Yukhei coughs into his elbow, sounding like there are needles scratching at the insides of his lungs, sniffling back some mucus as well.

Jaemin makes a face at him. No matter how tall he is, or how inviting his smile is, this state definitely isn’t attractive. “Are you okay?”

“Coming down with something, I guess,” Jaemin understands all students are exhausted during midterms, but this sounds a level or two worse.

“With pneumonia, maybe. Come with me,” Jaemin expects Yukhei to wonder where they’re going, but he’s not questioned, Yukhei simply follows him.

Jaemin takes him on a small trip to the corner store and their pharmacy section before they part ways in front of the arts department building.

🍬

Two days of time spent mostly at the studio later, Jaemin’s phone pings with a new message

yukhei:  
hi! this is yukhei, rings any bells? : D

jaemin:  
:o i had this number saved as chem sophomore originally, thnx! 

yukhei:  
you gotta be kidding me TToTT 

jaemin:  
haha maybeee, u’ll never know c: 

yukhei:  
ah man ure killing me : ((  
anyway, listen, johnny says we can meet up tuesday after midterms, around sixish? yuta and taeil are gone until saturday and he’s flat-sitting for them. i’ll send u the address yeh? 

jaemin:  
cool, sure C:  
ah, idk yet if i can make it, but let hope i’ll figure it out ;;n;;  
how ‘s ur cold btw? ;0; 

yukhei:  
u might have saved my ass tbh, i slept for 30 hours, sweated like a pig and im good now B) 

jaemin:  
haha im glad! C: 

Texting with Yukhei comes easy to him, they spend half the night shooting messages back and forth whenever Jaemin is taking breaks from his assignments - five still life drawings this time.

yukhei:  
its like 2am, arent u tired yet? :0 

jaemin:  
i need to finish these before i go sleep ;;; need to hand them in tomorrow before lunch so no way i can get up early enough to finish.  
i need a break tho probably :c but then id fall asleep and thats unacceptable rn ;A; 

yukhei:  
im just running down to the store for some snacks, wanna keep me company? a walk will do u good  :D 

jaemin:  
arent u sleepy though?? 

yukhei:  
ugh, cant sleep ;o; , mark is snoring like crazy, he does that sometimes, i- i lov that guy but omfg :/ 

jaemin:  
hahah kk, lets meet by the vending machine in ten? c: 

Yukhei sends back just a thumbs up emoji.

Jaemin grabs one new pair of noise blocking earplugs, shoves them into his jacket’s pocket and is out of the door.

The campus is peaceful at this time of the night, Jaemin is sure he’s just glimpsed someone running laps around the court, but otherwise it’s empty, quiet. The asphalt is still wet from the rain earlier, shining with the reflection of the neon sign above the 24/7 corner store.

Jaemin finds Yukhei already by the vending machines, scuffing his shoe against the pavement.

“Jaeminie!” he calls when he spots him.

Jaemin can’t help but smile. “Hey there, my favorite chem sophomore.”

Yukhei nudges his shoulder, “You know it’s not really a compliment if I’m the only chem sophomore you’ve met, right?”

Jaemin rolls his eyes, “Come on, I’ve been to your lab drill, I’ve met plenty of other chem students.”

Yukhei is trying to hide a smile, “So, am I still your favorite then?”

Jaemin looks Yukhei up and down as he’s feeding the machine some coins, “Hmm, there’s tough competition, you know? My own roommate is a chem major, I have to remain loyal probably.”

“Favorite sophomore, though?” Yukhei tries.

Jaemin retrieves the snack’s he’s bought and looks up at Yukhei, pouting lightly he says, “Maybe. Yeah. Depends if Yerim is also a sophomore - she’s pretty cool.”

Yukhei’s lips show a toothy grin before it dies down quickly as he looks into the ground, “Yerim? For real? Nice. She’s post-grad already though. But cool, yeah, she’s nice.”

Jaemin snaps the chocolate bar in half and hands one half to Yukhei, sighing he says, “You’re my favorite chem major, period. Happy now?”

Yukhei takes the chocolate and smiles at Jaemin for real, “Yeah. Happy.”

“Oh! I got you something,” Jaemin takes out the small plastic box, handing it to Yukhei.

Yukhei takes it in his hands, looking it over before he looks up to Jaemin, confusion written in his features.

“We have dozens of these in the studio when someone needs quiet, but others want music or to talk, or when we sleep there,” Jaemin shrugs, “You need at least one pair with Mark around.”

Yukhei’s gaze lingers on Jaemin’s face, “Thanks. That’s thoughtful,” smiling, he looks down to the small box in his hands.

🍬

Midterms of the winter semester go by quickly. Jaemin isn’t sure how many assignments he’s had to hand in, but he’s almost positive he managed to deliver all the required work. There were all-nighters, there were midnight walks to the corner store with Yukhei, there was endless texting.

He’s learned a lot about Yukhei in the short while, too. Yukhei got a basketball scholarship for a different college but the chemistry department there didn’t offer his preferred major, so he turned it down. He has a little brother back home who adores him, and Yukhei’s biggest achievement in life so far has been when his brother told about him in class on the topic of Personal Heroes.

Jaemin learned to share about himself as well. About picking arts over marketing, his family was equally supportive of either choice, but he decided to go for something he’s always been comfortable with. About his friends back home, Chenle and Jisung, kids from his neighborhood he’ll be spending Christmas break with most probably. Jaemin failed to mention his high school bullies and exes.

He realizes there are parts of himself he doesn’t want Yukhei to know yet. No matter how obvious it can be to anyone who gives Jaemin a minute of their focus, he doesn’t want to admit to liking boys, he doesn’t want the delicate balance between Yukhei and himself to shift. He’ll keep it to himself for the time being, because at the end of the day, Yukhei isn’t interested in who Jaemin likes.

The Tuesday rolls by quickly, Jaemin’s promised to Johnny he’d go pick up something for after-dinner snacks. They’ve planned a trip with Jeno down to the proper grocery store outside of campus.

“Drinks are on Mark’s agenda, but I was thinking we should get least one bottle of something? As a thanks?” Jeno says as they’re entering the store, reading the memo off his phone. Despite not liking to contribute to drinking budget at parties, Jeno was persuasive about getting something for Johnny.

“Right, so a bottle of, do we want wine or whiskey? Johnny likes whiskey. And the snacks, right?” Jeno gives him an affirmative nod, “Okay so you get the bottle, I’ll get the snacks and meet you in cereal aisle?”

Jaemin doesn’t really have a budget so he just gets two packets of everything that catches his attention; gummy bears, honey chili crisps, choco nuts and so on. He figures he can go crazy, as there will be seven boys, surely none of the snacks will go to waste.

Walking over to the cereal aisle, Jaemin freezes in his steps for a second before even realizing why - he spots three familiar guys, high school classmates, a town away from their home - from where Jaemin hoped to leave them behind.

“Jaemin!” one calls out to him, wicked smile on his face, remaining two boys turn to him as well, a semi-circle around Jaemin that feels much tighter than it really is.

“Isn’t it our favorite queer boy? You go to school around here, right? Sucked anyone for good grades already?” the boy snickers, and Jaemin finds himself unable to move, heat moving up the back of his neck, “Fuck, no wonder you could never even get yourself a boyfriend who would actually like you. Look at yourself. Who would want a dirty home-wrecker like you, anyway?”

Jaemin stares at them, pinned in place. He opens his mouth, wants to protest, talk back, anything. Anything that won’t make him look weak and small in front of them, again. Maybe his college life really is just an extension of high school in some ways. Some nasty things will always be able to catch up with him probably.

Seemingly out of nowhere, Jeno appears by his side, “Here you are!” and easily, without any fluster, links their hands together, as if it was the most natural thing for them. Jaemin can feel Jeno’s thumb caressing the back of his palm soothingly, can feel his own breathing calming down. Jeno is looking at the three boys in front of them, but obviously his words are meant for Jaemin, “Everything okay?”

Jaemin nods, looks to the ground, doesn’t want to speak in case his voice would betray the lump that he’s unable to swallow. The three boys pretend to busy themselves with cereal boxes; as if the ugly words said just moments ago weren’t supposed to burn though Jaemin’s skin still, low kindling of embarrassment he gets to carry with himself now.

A smile meant only for Jaemin is audible in Jeno’s voice as he tugs his hand gently, “Come on, we’re going to be late,” and leads him towards the register lines.

The three boys are nowhere in sight, but Jeno keeps his hold on Jaemin’s hand as they stand in line and then as they’re paying. Feeling a little empty and a little ashamed, Jaemin doesn’t pull away, lets Jeno lead him out of the store.

“You didn’t have to do that, you know. But, thanks.”

Jeno frowns a little, staring ahead he says with a shrug, “It was either holding your hand or punching the fucker’s face. Didn’t think you’d appreciate a scene.”

“Thanks. You’re a good friend, Jeno.”

“Sure I am!” Jeno exclaims, almost scandalized, “What did you think that I was some asshole or what?”

They both laugh and there is a moment when Jaemin could potentially feel some tummy flutters, remnants of his crush, being so close to Jeno, still holding his hand. He realizes not even Jeno coming to his rescue, exercising this knight in the shining armor behavior makes Jaemin really feel anyhow special around him. It’s just Jeno after all.

After a few meters they let go seamlessly, Jaemin suddenly feels Jeno’s absence and says, “I never did that, you know. What he accused me of. People gossiped about me in school because I was out and made friends with one teacher who helped me out when I was getting shit for being gay. So people started to talk.”

“You don’t have to explain it to me. Simply put, there are assholes everywhere.”

“There are assholes everywhere,” Jaemin echoes the sentiment.

Jeno puts an arm around Jaemin’s shoulders to pull him closer, “Good thing you’re sticking around with us now, right?”

Jaemin figures it really is a good thing, one of the best ones.

🍬

Johnny decided to host a small dinner party since for a few days he gets to flat-sit for his friends, so he figured having the kids over (as he refers to all of them) for one night would be nice.

“Jeno, Jaemin, hey!” Yukhei greets them upon answering the door.

“Hey there, stranger,” Jaemin says and Yukhei smiles at him, devastating. He’s dressed up a little, a simple button-down with jeans, hair combed back. Indeed, a devastating look.

Johnny asks how the shopping went and running into Jaemin’s old acquaintances doesn’t get mentioned. There’s plenty of small talk all together with the drinks. The food is actually really good, and Mark earns a little too aggressive hair-ruffle from Johnny when he sarcastically lets slip a “Wow, who could have known we weren’t gonna starve? I was counting on only eating Jaemin’s snacks tonight.”

Jaemin has never seen Yukhei like this - comfortable among his (most probably) favorite people. At the back of his mind, Jaemin wonders who are Yukhei’s favorite people and how well they know him. Not quite jealousy, but curiosity; pulled to the thought like moth to the flame.

Jaemin gets to admire him and his ways of talking to Mark mostly, so carefree yet warm. Something in Jaemin’s chest tightens and he can’t help but return every smile Yukhei sends him whenever their gazes meet.

🍬

The dish duty is decided by the only true democratic way of solving problems.

“Rock, paper, scissors?” someone suggests.

“Rock, paper, scissors,” the rest confirms.

It falls to Jaemin and Yukhei. Simply standing next to each other, wordlessly handing over cleaned dishes to be wiped off, but something about it feels precious to Jaemin; it’s a moment of just the two of them in company of others. It’s new.

“I’m glad you could make it, Jaemin,” Yukhei says.

Jaemin smiles to himself, “Me, too, Yukhei.” It doesn’t escape Jaemin’s notice that Yukhei smiles wide, head ducked low. “What is it?” he asks, humored.

“Nothing, just-” Yukhei exhales a small laugh, “I’ve never heard you say my name before. I like how it sounds when you say it.”

“You’re such a dork,” Jaemin snickers, shaking his head.

Yukhei lets his shoulders shake with laughter, “Don’t pretend like it’s not adorable.”

“Shut up,” Jaemin rolls his eyes.

🍬

One day, at lunch with Renjun, Jaemin decides to be brave.

“I’m not sure if Jeno mentioned, but,” Jaemin trails off, not looking up at Renjun, scooping up spoons of his soups and letting it dribble back into the bowl.

Renjun seems to mercifully pretend he doesn’t notice the nervousness in Jaemin’s voice, “Jeno mentions a lot of shit, I barely listen, frankly. What’s up?”

Jaemin looks up at him, lips squeezed tight, eyes big, somewhat expectant, before he looks away again, “This should be easy. Easier.” Jaemin speaks in lower tone, makes sure no one besides Renjun at the cafeteria can hear him, “I’m gay, Renjun.”

“Oh,” Renjun sports this almost bored expression on his face as he takes a bite of his food, “I kinda figured, to be honest. But thanks for saying it. Me, too. But I mean, you knew that, duh.”

Jaemin finally exhales fully, freely, “The endless coming out is tiring, but I guess…,” he looks up at Renjun with a small smile, “I guess it’s worth the trouble, to go through it for the right people.”

“You’re good people, Jaemin, you’re really cool actually, not just a pretty face as I thought at first.” Renjun concludes this unrequested evaluation of Jaemin, “Thought I’d say this much at least: I’m glad Jeno and Donghyuck got close so easily, allowed us to, you know, also hang out and stuff.”

“Stop it, or I’ll develop a crush on you,” he laughs and Renjun joins in, “I’m not kidding, I crush on guys way too easily.”

“I’m not really your type though, am I?” Renjun muses.

“Well, not really, but I’ve crushed on someone you know, before.”

Renjun looks at him quizzically, “Oh really?”

“Your very own roommate,” Jaemin admits with a small smile.

“Jeno? For real?” Renjun laughs at the ridiculousness of the statement.

“Yeah, gods, imagine my crushes would actually last.”

“Yeah. Hyuck would be sad,” Renjun mentions absent-mindedly.

“Oh? You think… those two?” Jaemin inquires, this alternative didn’t really cross his mind before.

“What? No, no. I mean, I don’t know, it’s hard to tell with them, I guess,” Renjun frowns, giving it some thought, “It’s just, they’re kinda inseparable, aren’t they? Platonic soulmates or something.”

“Yeah… whoever ends up dating one of them, will get a two-in-one bundle.” Jaemin and Renjun both laugh, gaining attention of passers-bys.

Jaemin always ends up breathing a bit lighter when he gets to share one of his biggest truths, it’s still just as hard each time. Some things, though, are worth enduring, he figures.

🍬

Two weeks before Christmas break the semester is getting more and more hectic and there are again more instances when Jaemin has to spend half the night at the studio.

yukhei:  
it’s freezing out but i wanna go get snacks, what do? :( 

jaemin:  
go go gooo, and you can stop by to drop some off then as well, lmao 

yukhei:  
arent u busy? 

jaemin:  
im stuck, as fucking always when i stay here after midnight B( 

yukhei:  
ok, omw then!! 

Jaemin waits for Yukhei by the entrance to the arts department building, bundled up in his big puffy coat, looking a bit like a burrito. Yukhei jogs up to him with a small bag from the corner store.

“Why are you waiting outdoors? You’ll catch a cold, let’s go inside,” he shoos Jaemin back indoors.

“Just wanted to make sure you find it,” Jaemin says, taking the bag from Yukhei, examining the contents he nods in approval to himself at Yukhei’s choice of late night snacks.

“Ah, that’s okay, I’ve been here before.”

Jaemin looks up at him curiously, doesn’t say anything to that and leads Yukhei upstairs to the studios. He shows him around quickly.

“This is my space, over there is Shuhua, she’s also a freshman, and this one over here is Kun - he writes his thesis this year, others don’t spend as much time here,” Jaemin shrugs.

Yukhei looks around from the spot, looks over all the cubicles in the studio hall, but sticks to Jaemin’s corner only.

“Cool, wanna show me whatcha working on?” he asks with a bag of candied nuts in his hand, eyeing the stack of canvases right under the window.

“Sure,” Jaemin says with a smile, taking some of the snacks from Yukhei and goes on to show him his latest projects. He doesn’t show him sketchbooks, only things for class. Sketchbooks are smaller - not as inviting to the curious stares as canvases, and also, they are more personal. Jaemin is subconsciously worried, they might reveal something he isn’t ready to share yet.

It becomes almost a regular occurrence for them, that Yukhei texts him, asking if he’s at the studio, and then just a simple text follows, “mind if I stop by with some snacks?” Sometimes he spends time in Jaemin’s studio working on his coursework silently, sitting on the small couch Jaemin has in his cubicle, sometimes he just sits there playing games on his phone before he has to go for practice. Sometimes he comes with snacks, sometimes with an invitation for lunch or dinner. Jaemin figures it’s a really nice addition to his studio time.

🍬

jaemin:  
going out with yerim and some friends tonight, also jeno and hyuck, dont u wanna join? :D 

yukhei:  
;0; oh no can do this week, im swamped with labs 

jaemin:  
ohhh that sucks :cc 

yukhei:  
yeah  
sighs  
i wanna go out with u guys wtf, labs are stupid >B(

jaemin:  
haha yeah but theyre gonna be useful for ur degree and shit >:) 

yukhei:  
: (  
fuck degrees and grades i wanna go hang out with u, not work on a friday evening wtf.  
at least keep me updated if u have time hahah 

jaemin:  
will do :D 

🍬

They spent some time pre-drinking at Donghyuck’s and Jaemin’s before heading out, stumbling through the campus to get to the nearest clubs. It’s just five of them in the end, Donghyuck, Jeno, Jaemin, Yerim and Sooyoung.

The night is chilly but Yerim supplies some weed that she promises will warm them up. Sooyoung, Donghyuck and Jeno take a hit each, and the rest is shared only between Yerim and Jaemin.

At some point Yerim plops down onto the ground at a curb, “Let’s just chill here, I don’t wanna go into some stinky club,” she says pouting up at Sooyoung.

Sooyoung gives he a stern look, “Get up, you dumbass, it’s winter, you can’t be sitting on fucking pavement, I’m not spending the break going to doctor appointments with you.” She reaches out for Yerim’s hand to pull her up.

“We don’t have to go to any club though,” Jeno chimes in, “Let’s just grab something more to drink from some store and we can hang out anywhere?”

Yerim rejoices, jumps up and down in place with excitement, “Yeeah!! See? Jeno gets it!” she exclaims and jumps at Jeno immediately, getting a piggyback ride from him. Jaemin’s noticed in the past that a drunk Jeno is very open to affection and Yerim under influence is clingy as fuck.

Sooyoung rolls her eyes, “Stupid, both of you, I swear to god. The point is that outside is cold as tits. But,” she throws her hands up in resignation upon seeing another pout forming on Yerim’s face, “I guess. If we’re getting drinks, then let’s just go. We can get to the club later.”

“Sooyoungie will take us to the drinks!” Yerim shouts, and everyone follows. To Jeno she says, “Sooyoung is a great leader, she’ll take care of us.”

“Not your chaperone,” Sooyoung says, but leads the way to the nearest corner store anyway.

🍬

One bottle of gin shared among the five of them later, they’re all more or less just stumbling around in a happy pile. They made their way again closer to the club which was their original destination, but they’re all experiencing a comfortable buzz and so no one is really feeling it.

Jaemin finds his place by Donghyuck’s side, Donghyuck always gets quiet with the lull of alcohol in his system, so Jaemin gets to play around with him as he likes. Pokes his cheek, scratches his chin like a puppy, plays with his fingers and palms; Donghyuck just giggles sleepily.

Jaemin takes out his phone to document this cold, but at the same time somewhat warm, night with some selfies. One semi normal selfie with Donghyuck, Donghyuck doesn’t protest and thus stays in place. A selfie with Jeno is more challenging, as that boy just gets the jitters everytime he drinks and needs to run around, but Jaemin still finds his smile cute enough to hunt for that selfie. So he gets one blurry selfie with a widely smiling Jeno. And another one with Yerim, who alternates between smooching Jaemin’s and Sooyoung’s cheek here and there. Jaemin snaps a picture just as she’s giggling against his cheek, Jaemin making an exaggerated scandalized expression at the camera.

Jaemin likes filling his camera roll with precious memories like these.

🍬

At some point they find their way to the club they were originally heading to. Everyone more wasted than tipsy, they lose track of each other, or at least Jaemin loses track of everyone else really quickly.

After some time, Yerim finds him in the crowd, among all the dancing people where Jaemin has been swaying with music, an obligatory drink in his hand, “Me and Sooyoung are leaving. Are you gonna be okay?” she’s slurring and Jaemin finds her so cute he envelopes her in a hug, smiling wide.

“I’m gonna find Hyuck and Jeno first,” he says into her hair before letting her go in Sooyoung’s direction who’s been waiting for her near the exit, keeping an eye on Yerim while she says her goodbye to Jaemin.

Jaemin doesn’t have any luck locating nor Donghyuck neither Jeno, so he decides to shoot them a quick message in a group chat he’s just created.

jaemin:  
hav u gon home guys? ;0; yerm and suyong just left :c 

While he waits for any response from the two, Jaemin opens his chat with Yukhei to read through their latest messages, as he’s found himself doing a lot lately. He figures it’s normal, they massage a lot, of course he would forget what they’ve been talking about last. It’s not like he’s missing him in particular or anything.

He promised he would let Yukhei know how the night is going, and what better way than to include pictures?

jaemin:  
[IMAGE SENT]  
hyuck was supr cute tonite ;A; look at his sleepi eyes hahahahh

[IMAGE SENT]  
heres yerim, her nose was cold as fck against my cheek lmaooo

[IMAGE SENT]  
and jenoooo 

Yukhei doesn’t let him wait like Jeno and Donghyuck are, he shoots a message back immediately.

yukhei:  
hahahah nice!! :D having fun then? 

jaemin:  
yeh but everyones left :c seems im on my own now u g h its chill tho! i have drinks still. :D 

Jaemin sends another blurry selfie of himself at the club, just a green flash of light across his face, hair a mess, smile wide.

yukhei:  
on ur own? arent u too drunk or smth? :o 

jaemin:  
too drunk for what?  
haha 

yukhei:  
idk, getting home ok?? 

jaemin:  
eeehhh i can find my way back im sure! C: no worrieeeees 

yukhei:  
are u sure? dont u want me to come get u? share me ur location if u need me to come get u yeh?? 

jaemin:  
yeeeeeeh  :D 

Another twenty minutes pass, Jaemin dances to bad EDM and has another drink. Suddenly he stops among all the moving people, realizes he wants to be home, or he wants to find Donghyuck and Jeno, just doesn’t want to be alone. Pulling out his phone he finds no new messages from either of them, so he just decides to go home on his own.

As he told Yukhei he’s finding his way just okay, Jaemin is almost at the dorms when he remembers Yukhei’s texts. Without thinking further about it, he simply shares his location with him.

In a minute he gets a text.

yukhei:  
be right there!! Dont move 

Within a few seconds - or, what feels like only a few seconds, Yukhei is jogging up to him, up to the vending machines by the corner store where they’ve met so many times before. Jaemin is smiling up at him, until he notices the frown on Yukhei’s face, something akin to worry written in his features. Jaemin freezes and takes a literal step back; Yukhei must be pissed for being woken up at - who knows what time it is, it was at least three am when he was leaving the club.

“Jaemin! Are you okay?” Yukhei asks, looking Jaemin up and down, up-close he looks visibly distressed.

Jaemin mumbles through an empty pout on his lips, “Just wanted to see you before I go sleep. I’m sorry.”

Yukhei sighs, like a balloon of relief leaving his lungs, “I told you to send me your location if you need me to come get you. When I saw you were here already, I thought,” he doesn’t finish and just sighs, letting his eyes close he runs a hand through his hair.

“Sorry,” Jaemin whispers, looking at the ground, “Didn’t mean to wake you or anything.”

Yukhei puts an arm around Jaemin’s shoulder, huffing out a laugh, “It’s okay, I was up, you just scared me a little, that’s all. Let’s get you some food, you probably didn’t eat anything,” and leads Jaemin towards the corner store.

🍬

Jaemin oftentimes sends Yukhei selfies when he’s bored. And to his delight, he almost always gets some back as well. During the break when they’re all back home for two weeks, Jaemin sends a selfie every other day - just to get Yukhei’s selfies in return. Simple act of selfishness.

He gets to see Yukhei making funny faces under the Christmas tree, and often also his family in the background; Yukhei’s dog, Yukhei’s brother, Yukhei’s grandparents. In a way, Jaemin learns another great deal about him effortlessly.

Two days after New Year’s Jaemin sends him a picture

jaemin:  
[IMAGE SENT]  
this took longer than expected ;0; 

yukhei:  
oh youre blond now! :0 

jaemin:  
its gon be even paler!! >D

🍬

The first time they meet after the break is by chance, Jaemin runs into Yukhei after his basketball practice; Yukhei is bundled up against the cold - beanie pulled over his head, ears sticking out, big red puffy jacket on. Jaemin realizes he’s missed him.

“Hey,” Yukhei comes up to him, a warm smile on his face, “Thought you were gonna come back only tomorrow.”

“Change of plans. Also, I missed this,” looking up at Yukhei, Jaemin almost stumbles on the last word, clears his throat to mask up any mishap, “I missed the campus I guess,” he shrugs.

Yukhei’s smile widens, something humored playing in his features. “Your hair looks different than from the last time I saw it, too, it suits you,” he reaches out to touch Jaemin’s hair with his fingertips, all pale blond now.

Jaemin allows it, almost doesn’t breathe, waits a moment - for Yukhei to pull his hand away, if this were a casual touch; when Yukhei’s still lingering at the tips of his hair, Jaemin suggests in a small voice, “It’s just bleached now, still gotta dye it. I’ll need someone to help me with that though. Would you, maybe?”

Yukhei’s eyes snap to Jaemin’s, away from his hair, smile softening again into something smaller, more private as he lets his hand fall to his side, “I’d like that, yeah.”

🍬

Jaemin doesn’t dwell on casual touch with Yukhei anymore, there are quick hugs and high fives or fist bumps, soft punches to the shoulders. Sometimes one of them might linger, but that’s neither here nor there. It’s true Jaemin finds him handsome, but his initial crush has dispersed, or rather it formed into something else. Yukhei is this comfortable presence in his almost everyday life now. It’s more precious than the simple crush from a few weeks ago.

Jaemin definitely doesn’t dwell on any of it.

He doesn’t dwell on it even when the day of his dye-job comes. Yukhei agreed to help him. And Jaemin just slightly miscalculated, because Yukhei helping him includes hands in Jaemin’s hair as he’s helping wash it and apply the dye at the back of Jaemin’s head. Jaemin tries to ignore the butterflies threatening to break his gut open and escape into the wild as he’s acutely aware of Yukhei’s touch.

They’re washing off the last bits of the dye when Yukhei breaks the tangible silence, “You’ll look really great.” A beat of nothing from stunned Jaemin prompts Yukhei to stumble over his words for a second. “I mean, not that you didn’t look good already, of course! But this will suit you, makes you look… softer? I guess.”

Jaemin smiles to himself, doesn’t say anything, enjoying Yukhei’s fluster.

Despite Jaemin not having said anything, Yukhei says laughing lightly, “Shut up, you know very well you look good.”

“Do I now?” Jaemin challenges. Toweling his hair, he turns around to face Yukhei, wet, pink strands of hair falling into his eyes, a confident smile on his lips.

Yukhei lets his hand drop to his side, away from Jaemin’s hair, but his gaze lingers, scanning Jaemin’s face for an answer to an unspoken question. Coming back to himself, Yukhei grins as he splashes a few droplets of water at Jaemin, “Don’t be smug, okay?”

“Don’t feed me empty compliments then,” Jaemin tries to attack Yukhei with the discolored towel, laughing.

Yukhei catches his wrists just in time to miss the assault and holds him at the arm’s reach, “Not empty,” he makes a grimace when Jaemin tries to get closer to him again, “Just speaking the truth here.”

“Whatever. You’re a giant dork. Why do I even tolerate you, I wonder.” Jaemin’s straining arms slack and Yukhei lets him go.

“Cause you love me,” Yukhei sing-songs.

It would be funny to Jaemin if it were at least a bit further away from the truth.

🍬

Shuhua shows up one day at Jaemin’s studio space with a wide smile. “Party at my place next Friday? Everyone should be back at that point.”

“Huh, party? You got a house to yourself or something?”

Shuhua beams, “Yeah! I’ll have drinks. Take also your friends? Who do you room with? Oh, and also the tall guy you hang out with here? Just, dunno, take whoever.”

So Jaemin asks whoever. Tells Donghyuck to convey the message also to Jeno and Renjun and also asks Yukhei that day at lunch.

He seems to be a bit humored, shaking his head, “Your class is really wild. House parties? No one was throwing any house parties last year when I was a freshman,” looks up at Jaemin with a smile, “But cool. Sure. I’ll ask Mark as well. Maybe Johnny would want to join, too? He likes to hang with the kids, so to speak, he’s young at heart.”

Jaemin scoffs, “He’s literally four years older than you.”

“Exactly. That’s almost half a decade,” Yukhei deadpans.

“Whatever. Dork.”

Jaemin earns a wide smile from him, feeling Yukhei’s gaze on himself as well, warmth spilling in his gut.

🍬

The first Friday of the semester rolls around quickly. The weather is nice enough for a light jacket only, when Jaemin is leaving his dorm to go meet Yukhei before heading over to Shuhua’s.

Shuhua lives close-by, few blocks away from Yuta and Taeil, as Yukhei points out when they’re passing the big grocery store. An uncomfortable chill runs down Jaemin’s spine when he remembers the events that took place in the cereal aisle of the grocery store back then.

“You good?” Yukhei notices the shudder that ran over Jaemin’s whole body. “Are you cold?”

Jaemin notices Yukhei is ready to shed his leather jacket to offer it to him and just laughs, “No, no, I’m good. Just remembered something, uh, unpleasant,” he adds with a small awkward smile.

“Oh, well. No reason to be thinking of unpleasant things when we’re together, right?” Yukhei smiles as he puts an arm around Jaemin’s shoulder and pulls him closer.

Jaemin looks up at his smile and can’t even remember what made him upset a minute ago.

🍬

The night leads them from Shuhua’s back porch to a nearby park. There’s a lot of drinks, and Jaemin doesn’t remember much, but he carries this vague memory of being close to Yukhei, holding him around the waist.

Later they find their way to a 24/7 diner back at the campus. Jaemin sits close to Yukhei and when Yukhei is taking a group selfie, he pulls Jaemin closer, hand on his knee. Jaemin doesn’t breathe as the photo is taken.

Yukhei doesn’t give the action another thought, it seems, as he returns to his chatter with Mark and Jeno, and so Jaemin decides it’s better not to think too hard of it and keeps stealing from Yukhei’s food instead. Their gazes meet every once in a while and Yukhei gifts him a small smile each time. Jaemin feels all warm inside and it’s not just all the alcohol he’s consumed.

🍬

jaemin:  
look at this cutest puppy u’ve ever seen!!  
[IMAGE SENT] 

yukhei:  
haha i was expecting a selfie tbh 

jaemin:  
i-- whAT lmao  
are u saying i look like a puppy hahahh 

yukhei:  
hihiii  :D 

jaemin:  
pls acknowledge the actual puppy i sent :c 

yukhei:  
it’s adorable, jaemin 

jaemin:  
C: thank u 

yukhei:  
maybe you are like that puppy a little after all heheh 

jaemin:  
>:( what is that supposed to mean?? 

yukhei:  
nothing :>

🍬

Sometimes Yukhei comes for a visit to his studio, just to sit there and read, or even nap on the couch while Jaemin works on his assignments.

“Do you think sea creatures see colors the way we do? I mean, there are flowers and plants and shit of all possible colors at the coral reefs, right?” putting down his novel he’s been reading, Yukhei asks into the easy silence they’ve had.

“What?” Jaemin shakes his head, the question not properly registering. His head has been full of color theory, but not like this. “What are you on about?”

“I mean, think about it. Why make the coral reefs so colorful if the creatures there can’t recognize all the colors. Right?” Yukhei asks with a serious expression on his face.

“I honest to fuck can’t tell if you’re joking right now or not.” Jaemin looks at him in astonishment.

Yukhei is very obviously eyeing the book next to Jaemin, Color Theory in Praxis.

Jaemin notices that and goes, “Yukhei, I don’t know anything about this. Are you for real expecting me to give you an answer here?”

Yukhei shrugs, “Thought you were doing research last week when were at the library.”

“And you thought I was researching dolphins and shit?” when Yukhei’s face doesn’t show any protest on this alternative, Jaemin says, “No. No. Geez, I’m in arts, not in biology or something. I don’t know anything about this crap.”

Yukhei returns to his novel with a pout, “Okay.”

Jaemin sighs, “Let’s just say that color is just visible light, right? And the light breaks differently underwater, so I suppose the fish would see it differently. Also, their eyes are definitely different than ours,” he muses, looks to Yukhei again, who has a slowly spreading smile on his lips, “you should google this shit. And let me work now.”

After Jaemin turns around back to his desk, Yukhei pulls out his phone, probably to look up color perception in various animal species. Dork, Jaemin shakes his head.

After a few moments of peaceful silence, there is a rustle from the other end of the studio hall. Jaemin and Yukhei look at each other, Yukhei asks him in a small voice, “Is someone here?”

Jaemin shrugs, “Thought it was just me today.”

There is a thud of something heavy falling to the ground and a groan, male voice.

“Kun?” Jaemin calls out.

“Fuck,” the voice drawls, and then in much more awake tone, “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

Two cubicles over, Kun stands up, dusting off his clothes, hair a total mess. He looks up at Jaemin and Yukhei, meeting their questioning gazes. “Ah, fuck, hi guys,” he offers a weak smile and a small wave. “I- I must have slept in or something? Didn’t mean to, you know. Disturb you in your, yeah.” He starts frantically looking through papers on his desk, “I need to meet my advisor in twenty and still need to go print all of this shit out, shit, shit, shit.” He quickly packs up and is out of the door with a quick, “Have fun, be safe!”

Jaemin and Yukhei look at each other, humored.

“Getting a degree sounds wild,” Jaemin muses.

“Yeah, boy’s got a lot on his plate probably,” Yukhei says.

They don’t acknowledge what Kun was implying, what their relationship looks like to Kun, someone who barely knows either of them. And Jaemin is thankful. Maybe it’s Yukhei’s tact not mentioning it, nevertheless, Jaemin is simply glad not getting questioned about his intentions towards Yukhei.

Not even five minutes later they get a visitor, or rather, Kun gets a visitor. A boy with wide smile and a red beanie peeks inside the studio hall.

“Is Kun here?”

Jaemin walks over to him, shakes his head, “Just left, said something about meeting his advisor.”

The boy sighs, looks at his watch, “Yeah, you’re right. I told him to come pick up lunch before he goes. He doesn’t like me coming here as much for some reason. Says I distract him,” he rolls his eyes, “Whatever, as if a boyfriend is supposed to help you keep focus on school, am I right?” he says eyeing Yukhei back in Jaemin’s cubicle.

“Right?” Jaemin echoes in an unsure tone, gaze scanning the boy in front of him. For some reason he looks nothing like whom Jaemin would imagine Kun dating, and yet, when he thinks about it for a second, they must be perfect together. Jaemin’s heart hurts a little with the sudden jealousy.

“Anyway. Could you put this on his table? Dummy didn’t have lunch again and I bet he didn’t eat breakfast either.”

He hands Jaemin a lunchbox, a heart-shaped post-it note taped to the top, with a simple message and initials, _eat!!! :D ilu -YY_.

After the boy leaves, Jaemin get back to his desk, without looking at Yukhei he says, “That was Kun’s boyfriend, just dropped off some food.”

Yukhei’s smile seems a little sad for some reason, not so bright around the edges, Jaemin hates that sight, “That’s nice. Having someone like that.”

“Yeah, must be,” Jaemin agrees.

Neither says another word about this, but the atmosphere shifts for the next few hours they spend together. It seems more solemn, sadder tone to their previously comfortable silence. Jaemin wonders if it’s just his perception of this day or if Yukhei feels similarly - thinking of Kun and his boyfriend. Comparing their own relationship with an official, established one.

Jaemin likes to think they’re almost there - showing up unannounced with food, spending time together despite being busy, going the extra step just to be in each other’s company. It’s all there, but it stays undiscussed and, in a way, it’s creating a gap between how Jaemin feels and acts, and the gap stretches him thin in places at times.

🍬

Midterms come and go. Jaemin’s diet consists of stress, exhaustion, coffee and snacks from the corner store that Yukhei brings coming to see him at the dead of night. Thankfully, it’s over soon and Jaemin gets to sleep for solid 15 hours before he’s going to see the basketball game between Science and Marketing.

Finding four seats for himself, Jeno, Donghyuck and Renjun isn’t difficult, and so Jaemin gets to look out for when the players come out on court. Near their seats in the stands, he notices Yuqi - a sophomore who shares the studio hall with him. He gets up to go say hi.

Instead of only a simple greeting he gets to know a simple little truth that rocks his world without seemingly any reason.

A truth about Yuqi and Yukhei.

Without knowing what the words mean to Jaemin, she among other things mentions, “We met in orientation week in freshman year. Then dated for a bit around Christmas last year, too. He’s a good friend.”

Yukhei likes girls. Of course, he does. Jaemin wasn’t having any real hope to believe otherwise, but part of him wanted to stay oblivious, getting indulged.

Jaemin stumbles over his own thoughts and words a little, “Oh. So... you’re here to support your ex?”

“Sure!” Yuqi exclaims, “We’re not awkward with each other or anything, no hard feelings after the breakup or such. Why? Does it seem weird?”

Jaemin fidgets a little with the hem of his sleeve, gaze falling to the ground, “I mean. Not weird. Just surprising,” he trails off.

Yuqi’s smile softens and she touches Jaemin’s elbow to grasp his attention again, “He’s still one of the best people I know. We broke up simply because it wasn’t working, he can just be a bit intense at times. Like. When he likes you, he really lets you know, it can be a bit a too much for some people, that’s all.”

 _When he likes you, he lets you know._ Jaemin’s mouth provides an autopilot answer, “No, yeah. That’s. Understandable, sure.”

Yuqi’s face brightens up again as her hand flies up in the air, “Look, there they are!” she cups her mouth with both her palms and calls, “Yukheeeeei!”

The players are spreading across the court, Yukhei localizes where his name was called from and with a smile bright on his face waves with his arms above his head for several seconds while still running. When their gazes meet, Jaemin’s lips break into a smile again, too, despite himself, and he sends a small wave back at Yukhei as well.

Yuqi’s gaze falls to Jaemin, taking in his somewhat somber expression as he’s looking at the court. If Jaemin were looking at her, he’d recognize something like pity in her expression. Jaemin’s gaze keeps following Yukhei’s back instead.

🍬

Jaemin feels uneasy at the lunch they go to with Johnny, Mark and Yukhei after the match. He doesn’t really look at anyone, focuses on his lunch, always worried his feelings are written all across his face.

Later that evening, Yukhei mentions Yuqi over text, surprising Jaemin.

yukhei:  
listen. about yuqi. can we talk about her? 

jaemin:  
what about her  
? 

yukhei:  
idk what she told u but just, pls know im not like that anymore. im not a serial dater or whatever she mightve called me :( promise 

Yukhei and serial dater in one sentence just sounds fake. Jaemin plays along though, curious.

jaemin:  
omfg chill! she didnt say anything like that, but thanks for disclosing new info then ;)  
she just said u move on too fast with ur relationships, thats all, she was super nice about u actually c: 

yukhei:  
asdfhjshhjhskdg  
righ t  
so  
we are okay then? 

jaemin:  
what even are we, Yukhei? :D 

Jaemin would love to know what they are, would love for them to be something real, something more, but he’s not going to push his luck, so he adds,

jaemin:  
lmao jk jk. sure c: 

yukhei:  
things are good, right? the way they are, this is nice. or? 

jaemin:  
yeah. sure it is! :o 

yukhei:  
pinkie promise? 

jaemin:  
lmao 

yukhei:  
:( 

jaemin:  
omg yes, pinkie fucking promise.  
u dork 

yukhei:  
:) 

Sometimes, Yukhei is an open book and totally obvious in what he’s trying to say to Jaemin, sometimes he’s more mysterious than high school calculus. Jaemin doesn’t want to think of it too much and just writes this off as one of Yukhei’s charms.

🍬

Things with Yukhei don’t change at all after Jaemin’s learned about Yuqi. He was worried they might, but he finds himself texting with him as always, Yukhei keeps up the nice banter they’ve established.

One early morning before class Jaemin runs over to the corner store to pick up some ice cream cones for himself and Yukhei before they meet and walk together to class.

“Oh, yours has pieces of berries!” Yukhei calls out excited after he glimpses at Jaemin’s ice cream.

Jaemin looks at him, offering the ice cream cone to him, “Have a bite if you’d like?”

Yukhei doesn’t actually take the ice cream from him, just holds Jaemin’s hand in his palm and has a taste like that, eyes fluttering shut. If Jaemin’s mind was a bit more awake it would be probably getting all sorts of associations based on that sight.

“Gimme now,” after a moment Jaemin reaches out for Yukhei’s ice cream, he notices Yukhei’s eyes on the ice cream as Jaemin’s tasting it, on his lips maybe. It would be all very suggestive if this wasn’t Yukhei - a good pal Yukhei who Jaemin has, or had, a crush on. Yukhei who obliviously keeps indulging Jaemin and his hyperfixation with him.

So Jaemin doesn’t dwell on it. He’s become very good at not dwelling on these things recently.

They stop right at the bottom of the stairs of the science building, Yukhei laughs a little, looking to the ground.

“What is it?” Jaemin asks, humored already.

“You always do this, you know?” he looks up at Jaemin, a half grin on his face, cheeks pink from the sun already. When Jaemin just gives him a questioning gaze, Yukhei continues, looking at their shoes again, “You always stand on a curb, or one step higher than me. Say, Jaeminie, do you have a complex about your height?”

Jaemin scoffs, pulling at Yukhei’s hoodie strings a little to get him to bend down a little, just to annoy him, just because he can, “Maybe a complex about your height! You’re freakishly tall. What did they feed you as a baby?”

Smugness finds its way into Yukhei’s features as he straightens his back and stands his tallest, “Aren’t tall guys just handsome, though? I’ve always only got compliments about my height.” He’s clearly teasing, searching for Jaemin’s eyes.

“Well, you’re getting a complaint from me,” he says with a pout, “It’s like trying to look up at the sun or something.”

“Oh, am I like the sun in your universe, Jaeminie?”

Jaemin pushes him off playfully, “Yeah, right,” he admits drily, “You know that the Sun is just a small insignificant star in the universe, right?”

Yukhei pouts, big puppy eyes looking down at Jaemin.

Jaemin groans in exasperation, “Oh gods, okay, okay. Yes, tall guys are handsome, sure. Happy, now? I have to go to class, you’re insufferable.”

Yukhei smiles again, teeth showing, he confirms, “Happiest. See you, Jaeminie.”

For the rest of the day Jaemin tries to ignore how his bones are singing with longing for such moments with Yukhei in the future as well. At the back of his mind, he realizes he needs to tone it down, he’s sure he’s painfully obvious to anyone at least a tiny bit more observant than Yukhei.

Yukhei is a good friend first and foremost, and it’s maybe not fair Jaemin uses him as an outlet for his hyperfixations like this.

🍬

One seemingly insignificant day at lunch with Renjun, Jaemin spills some advice regarding Renjun’s and Mark’s relationship.

“Show him that bravery, let a good thing happen to you every once in a while,” he’s said to him.

He didn’t expect the words to bounce right back at him from Renjun, “I will if you will, as well. You also deserve this good thing happening, Jaemin.”

Regardless of whether it was going to be a good thing, or it would be just him being finally honest with Yukhei, Jaemin figures Yukhei is worth it, deserves it.

jaemin:  
can we talk sometimes pls? 

yukhei:  
we are talking arent we? whats up? 

jaemin:  
do u have time now or are u busy? i have smth important to tell u 

yukhei:  
im hurrying to practice now tho :( can this wait until later? :(((  
or u can text me meanwhile? if nah ill pick up something to eat and head over to ur studio after yeh? 

jaemin:  
ok 

Jaemin contemplates just sending a text, just like Renjun’s said, Yukhei would probably accept this form of coming out as well. His friends are gay, after all, he can’t have a problem with it in general. He might have a problem with Jaemin though, what with how much time they spend together. He’ll quickly figure out Jaemin likes him, and then won’t want to be friends anymore.

Whatever happens, happens, Jaemin thinks and starts typing, just a simple  
Thought you might want to know this one thing about me: I like boys. 

He doesn’t hit send, though.

He imagines Yukhei after practice finding such a text and having to come up with an excuse why he can’t come to see Jaemin with food, as he’s promised, like he’s done so many times before. The selfish part in Jaemin wants to experience that at least one more time. So he doesn’t send the text and just waits.

🍬

“Picked up just the Indian from across the street, hope that’s okay?” Yukhei greets Jaemin as he’s letting him into the studio hall. It’s just the two of them tonight, Jaemin is thankful. He really doesn’t want any audience for what is about to go down. Yukhei plops down onto the couch, handing Jaemin his meal, “I wanted to hurry, since you wanted something important and all.”

Jaemin looks down at the box of food in his hands, finding it difficult to swallow on empty suddenly.

He looks up at Yukhei, trying to appear nonchalant, not willing to ruin the mood right off the bat, “Let’s just eat first? I’m tired today.”

Yukhei watches him as Jaemin is setting up his tablet and starting up youtube, “A lot of assignments to work through?”

Jaemin doesn’t look at him, “Something like that, yeah.”

They eat while watching random celebrity videos, Jaemin is grateful for the excuse not to talk yet. After finishing their meals, neither of them reaches to stop the autoplay on Jaemin’s tablet. Yukhei gets comfortable on the couch and reaches to ruffle Jaemin’s hair, a silly playful touch Jaemin’s gotten used to.

Jaemin lets out a sigh as he collapses clumsily against Yukhei’s side, Yukhei not protesting, as always. Something in Jaemin’s gut contracts when he realizes this is the last time he gets to enjoy this, last time before Yukhei will start inevitably slowly fade away from his life.

Yukhei leaves his arm around Jaemin’s shoulder, unmoving. Something in the atmosphere seems heavy to Jaemin, but he can’t tell if it’s just him or if Yukhei is also behaving differently than any other day, stiffer.

Jaemin’s phone pings a few times with a notification. He reaches for it to open the group chat. Immediately he frowns, reading about what’s happened on their campus tonight, information coming from Donghyuck who is miles away back home, learning about the happenings from social media.

“What is it?” comes Yukhei’s worried voice.

Jaemin rereads the messages a few times to himself, before he says it out loud, “Something happened on campus? By the library? Hyuck says there’s plenty of police cars and such,” he looks back at Yukhei, who sits up, looking over Jaemin’s shoulder, expression worried, “Renjun was right there or something, Mark’s with him though.”

Right next to Jaemin’s shoulder, he whispers, “Fuck, hope he’s okay.”

“He should be, he’s with Mark. If anyone can make him feel better, it’s him.”

“Yeah, Mark will do the charm,” they look at each other, somewhat humored expressions on their faces replacing the worried ones from a few seconds ago.

🍬

Another few stretched out moments of restless youtube watching pass before Jaemin can’t take it anymore, turns off the device and sits up, “I wanted to talk. So, I need to- I need to tell you something.”

“Okay,” Yukhei prompts him in a small voice, expectant.

“I think I just wanted to say this out loud in front of you, regardless of whether you know this already or not.” Jaemin finds it difficult to squeeze the truth out of himself.

“What is it, Jaemin?” The voice comes so gentle it hurts a little.

“I like boys,” he looks up at him, whatever happens, happens, “I’m gay, Yukhei.”

“Oh, that’s. That’s chill. I’m not exactly straight either.” Yukhei’s nonchalance is sickening and it takes a few seconds for his words to register.

“But...Yuqi,” Jaemin wonders.

There is some sort of small, humored smile on Yukhei’s face, “So, you met one ex of mine who happened to be a girl. Doesn’t make me straight, Jaeminie. Bisexuality is a thing, I’ve dated boys as well.”

“You have?” Jaemin looks down, thinking Yukhei means the dating Jaemin experienced in high school, the secrecy, the embarrassment, the whole not talking to your so-called boyfriend in public thing.

“Yeah. Why are you asking like that? Have you never dated before?”

Jaemin feels his face heat up, “Oh, I. Well, it’s complicated, dunno if I can classify it as such.” It wasn't the type of dating Jaemin wants to count, a cheap knock-off at best.

“That’s cool. I get it. I’m not dating anymore for example,” he sees the look Jaemin is giving him, so he adds an explanation, “I’m not good at it, that’s all. Doesn’t suit me.” he shrugs and plays nonchalance.

Jaemin frowns, gaze falling to his lap, “That’s stupid.”

“Is it?” Yukhei is clearly teasing, Jaemin is looking down at his hands, pulling at the skin around his nails nervously.

“Yeah. If you like someone, you should like, I dunno, hold their hand and kiss them and all that. You should be able to do that,” his voice comes out small, scared.

Yukhei just hums as he takes Jaemin’s hand into his, lifts Jaemin’s chin with his fingertips, “Jaemin. Do you like me?”

“I-, I-” Jaemin searches Yukhei’s eyes for a clue on what’s needed from him here. Does Yukhei want more truth from him? Does he want an apology? Jaemin’s already squeezed out of himself the hard part, he didn’t really think he would be getting called out like this right away, he hoped for Yukhei to let him down gently.

Yukhei smiles at him softly, “Because I like you,” he brings their faces together, it’s a chaste kiss to Jaemin’s mouth, their lips barely brushing, just breathing the same air; Jaemin feels Yukhei’s exhale on his skin when he finally breathes out, a bubble of relief escaping his lungs. Jaemin giggles for a second before he closes the distance for real, kissing Yukhei properly, both hands at the sides of his neck.

A few moments go by like that, small, almost too soft kisses on lips, just learning Yukhei’s face with touch, fingertips at his cheekbones and jaw. Jaemin can feel Yukhei smiling into the kisses and he thinks it must be a fever dream, surely. He better gets the most out of it while he can.

Soon, as the kisses grow in intensity, Jaemin climbs into Yukhei’s lap, kissing the corner of his mouth. Hands in Yukhei’s hair, he angles his face upwards, to deepen the kiss and then to gain easy access to kiss under his ear, under his jaw, down his throat, to his pulse. Jaemin feels Yukhei spread his legs a little, their crotches almost brushing through all the fabric, he feels Yukhei’s hands at his sides pulling him close and can hear something like a faint moan from Yukhei as well. The insecurity deep inside Jaemin’s gut is getting validated - Yukhei wants this. Yukhei wants him, like this, like everyone else’s ever wanted him. A repeated, well-known pattern.

Jaemin's body switches to autopilot, he smiles against Yukhei’s collarbone as he tugs at Yukhei’s hem of the shirt to slip his hand onto his tummy, feeling his stomach tighten, a shaky exhale vibrating through his chest. Sucking in a small mark at Yukhei’s pulse, he’s two seconds away from feeling Yukhei up, when suddenly Yukhei’s hands are on his upper arms, pushing him off, “Hey, hey, hey, Jaemin. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Please.”

Jaemin’s face is flushed, he can feel it in his cheeks as he has Yukhei stare up at him, face slack. Jaemin worries, “Was this- Is this, not good for you? We can do something else-” He’s climbing off Yukhei quickly, knees on the ground between his feet right away, reaching to fumble with Yukhei’s belt.

“No, no, no, come on,” Yukhei sounds a bit exasperated, pulling Jaemin up to sit back on the couch beside him.

Jaemin is searching his face for some clue on what’s happening here. He can’t take it and says, looking down at his hands in his lap, “Just wanted to show you I liked you.”

Yukhei sighs, takes Jaemin’s hands into his palms, making Jaemin look up, “But I know you like me. Even before you said - I knew. Of course I knew. And I like you, too. But believe me when I say this is really difficult to ask, especially right now but - could we slow down?”

Jaemin is confused only on the surface, it was silly of him to expect Yukhei to be like the boys Jaemin’s been with before. He smiles up at him, nodding, “Okay, yeah. But we can still kiss though, right?” he challenges.

Yukhei leans in with a small smile playing on his lips before their mouths meet, “Of course, kissing's good."

🍬

Jaemin loses the track of time while they kiss lazily on the couch in his studio that night.

Into one kiss to Jaemin’s chin, Yukhei whispers, “We don’t need nothing official. Right?”

Jaemin’s nightmare is coming to life in real-time and it is big and cold and it has teeth. His mouth supplies an answer that doesn’t invite for more wounds, “That’s cool. Of course.

Yukhei kisses him again, like he means it and Jaemin’s gut tightens; _nothing official_ in Yukhei’s voice plays on repeat in his head. Jaemin pulls away, looking somewhere between them, chewing his bottom lip, “Will you avoid me tomorrow?” voice smaller than his self-esteem right now.

Yukhei sits up, searches for Jaemin’s eyes, “Why would I? Jaemin?” Jaemin finally looks up at him, the ugly feeling still gnawing at his insides. Yukhei runs his fingers through Jaemin’s hair somewhat soothingly and Jaemin lets out a shuddering breath as he closes his eyes, leaning into the touch, drowning in the sudden wave of comfort.

“So, we can still get lunch together? Like always?” Jaemin can hear his own voice quiver.

Holding Jaemin’s face in both his hands, Yukhei hurries to answer “Of course, of course, nothing has to change, things are good, right? We're okay. Right, Jaeminie?” Yukhei sounds worried as he searches Jaemin’s eyes for a confirmation.

Jaemin smiles at him, thinks he’s being silly. If Yukhei promises they’re okay, then they’re okay. “Yeah, yeah, this is good, we’re good,” and leans down to kiss him more.

🍬

Things get back to how they were before, more or less. Different how they spend that night at Jaemin’s studio, kissing on and off, sleeping on the too small couch. Same in the way how they spend together the next day.

Jaemin gets lunch with Yukhei and there’s not much different from how they were two days ago; the air around Yukhei is easier to breathe, and everytime their gazes meet and Yukhei’s eyes linger on him a beat too long, Jaemin feels his face heat up slightly.

Nothing more gets discussed about how things are between them and Jaemin doesn’t push it. He just enjoys the bliss of being in Yukhei’s company without feeling like he’s using his good heart and wasting his time for his own obsession.

Just simply sitting at lunch with him is more than Jaemin’s ever gotten from any of his previous crushes. The usual pattern for his romantic endeavors would be getting a boy to agree to like him, promise it’s for real, but demand they keep it a secret. Ugly, embarrassing secret is all Jaemin’s ever been to the boys he’s liked.

Whatever doubts Jaemin’s had the previous night about Yukhei not wanting to be seen together with him anymore are quickly dispersed when they’re parting after lunch in front of the freshman dorm; Yukhei squeezes his hand and places a quick careful kiss against the corner of Jaemin’s mouth. Afterwards, Yukhei looks to the ground, smiling to himself and biting his bottom lip. It might be the most adorable thing Jaemin’s ever seen.

🍬

The day of the convention is a long one. Jaemin gets up early to meet up with Renjun before they head off to the station where Yukhei and Mark are waiting for them.

Yukhei greets Jaemin with a hug that lasts longer than either of them is used to. Later on the train, Jaemin reaches to link hands with Yukhei which earns him a small kiss on the top of his head. Jaemin’s heart could go crazy and jump out of his chest right then and there.

The whole day feels like a dream come true to Jaemin, like a whole day of a nice (double) date. After they leave the convention center it’s still early so they head over to a nearby fare; cotton candy shared with Yukhei, fingers sticky but still finding the other’s hand, pinkies hooked together as they walk through the crowds.

After Yukhei wins a big plushie bear that he gifts to Jaemin, they step out of the line, and right under the fairy lights hanging all along the pathways Yukhei steps into Jaemin’s space, fingertips at the nape of his neck, angling his face upwards.

Jaemin’s breath catches and he frantically looks around, “But, Mark and Renjun are somewhere around here probably?” he voices his worries.

“I don’t mind about them knowing. Do you?” Yukhei’s thumb caresses Jaemin’s cheekbone, voice soothing.

“No,” Jaemin smiles, “I’m cool with it if you are.”

Yukhei returns the smile and kisses Jaemin slowly, not caring if their friends and strangers see him kissing another boy; Jaemin’s never kissed anyone with more ease, less worry. It’s mostly a chaste kiss, careful small touch, but it means more than anything he has ever done with anyone else with less clothes on.

🍬

yukhei:  
i need to cancel on our lunch today :(( im sorry  ;;0;; 

jaemin:  
oh thats chill. why? :o is everything ok? 

yukhei:  
uh yeh, just, i forgot i promised yuta to help him with some moving and stuff - theyre getting finally some new furniture and shit. mark johnny and i are headed over there; i have study group in the evening so i’ll be leaving first anyway  
sweats  
i already feel bad for having less time than i originally thought orz ;;; 

jaemin:  
kk cool, let me know if u want me to help out too, tho? i mean idk how much help i’d be hahah 

yukhei:  
u would?? :O ;;A;; ure a saint istg. taeil is out of commission on some business bullshit trip or what idk. so we’re one person short : / 

Jaemin’s met Yuta and Taeil before, a quite odd eccentric pair, but Jaemin supposes that comes with age, with years spent together.

Yuta greets them from the doorway with a wide smile, absolutely ignoring Johnny, Mark and Yukhei he goes to hug Jaemin first, as if he’s missed him the most. It’s a weird, although a bit eccentric, quirk as Yuta just ushers all the other boys into his apartment without a second glance and takes Jaemin under his arm, holding him close. Yukhei shoots him a somewhat apologetic smile.

The work is easier than Jaemin expected and goes much smoother as well. They’re nearly finished by the time Yukhei has to leave.

Jaemin stands up to go gather his things as well, “I’ll go with you.”

Yukhei’s lips are spreading into a smile, eyes on Jaemin, when Yuta chimes in, “Nonsense. Let him run off to his study group date or whatever. Stay for dinner, Jaemin.

So Jaemin stays for dinner at Yuta’s, together with Johnny and Mark. They end up sitting in the kitchen with soda and some snacks later after dinner.

Busying himself with filing away the construction manuals for the cupboards, Yuta doesn’t beat around the bush, and straight out asks without looking at Jaemin, “So, you and Yukhei.” It’s an open question obviously meant for Jaemin.

Jaemin’s never been questioned about their relationship, not so openly. And he finds himself not having any answers now. Not official, was Yukhei’s wish. “Me and Yukhei,” he trails off.

Yuta looks up at him, “Not to meddle with your business, but this whole thing,” Yuta motions at Jaemin pointedly, “it’s very unlike him, isn’t it?” he sends the last bit to Johnny and Mark to get their confirmation.

“As I’ve told Yukhei before,” Mark admits, sipping from his drink.

“It is new,” Johnny confirms.

“New? Yukhei said he’s been with boys before,” Jaemin doesn’t really see what’s so new about them being almost-sorta-kinda together. They’re just friendly and sometimes they kiss, it’s not that deep. Probably.

Yuta sighs, sitting down across from Jaemin, “Not like that. Listen. The boy’s dated a bit last year. But it was never… this. You’re something else for him, obviously.”

Johnny chimes in, “Yeah, if this were like the flings from last year, we would have heard from him about the newest love of his life right away.” Jaemin looks away, face flushing a little at hearing the words _love of his life._

“He’s just really direct with his crushes,” Mark regards Jaemin who’s just looking into his glass of soda, slightly frowning, “Or - he used to be. Obviously, he’s had a change of heart or something.”

Jaemin finally speaks up, not looking at any of them, “We never talked about our past like that, so. I don’t really know. About any flings or whatever. We aren’t official, I thought he just didn’t want people to know about me, I’m used to that, but I hoped-” he shrugs, voice small, pretending nonchalance still, “I don’t know, I don’t know what I hoped for.”

Yuta deadpans, “You hoped for a boyfriend, obviously. Geez, Yukhei, what a fucking dumbass, honestly. He probably thinks he’s gonna erase the past by not mentioning it. Amazing. Truly, a genius. Where did he go? I need a quick word.” He pushes his chair back, about to stand up, rolling up his sleeves.

Johnny puts a hand on Yuta’s forearm, stopping him, “You’re not gonna beat him up. First of all, he’d snap you in half. Second, it’s not our business.”

“Not our- not our business?” Yuta sounds positively scandalized, pointing to Jaemin he adds, “He’s making the baby sad. Just look at him! I will not have this, he will behave.”

“Yes, and I agree,” Johnny says, “But it’s up to Jaemin to deal with him.”

“Yukhei is a little stupid maybe but I think he believes he’s doing the best he can,” Mark says, words meant for Jaemin, “Everytime I ask about you, and about how things are with the two of you, he just says it’s enough as it is. He’s clearly worried about things ending like in the past,” he concludes with a shrug.

“Which is?” Jaemin is afraid to know but also can’t take not knowing at this point.

Johnny sighs. “Let’s just say he was a bit intense with his crushes. It’s one date and he’s in love, it’s a second and third date and he’s obsessed, follows his crush around like a puppy, to the point of suffocating them a little. He used to be like, this is The One! It can’t go wrong. And yeah, it always went wrong, because he pushed them all away with his clinginess.”

It doesn’t add up to Jaemin, frowning he muses, “But that’s not. That’s nothing like what he’s like though.”

“Not now. Not with you. Last year he lived with this obsession of finding a long-term relationship finally. Now he gave up on that obsession and found you, I guess. Now he seems more chill.”

“After what’s happened with Jungwoo,” Mark jumps in.

“Oh yeah, Jungwoo,” upon seeing Jaemin’s confused expression, Johnny clarifies, “He’s told him off not in the nicest way and it took a toll on Yukhei. I mean, hearing shit like that leaves you stunted, I get that.”

“Yeah. So, I guess meeting you,” Mark nods towards Jaemin, “He figured he could just build it up slowly, properly, or something. But he’s taking it to extremes. I mean, you guys are basically together, but he doesn’t want to what, make it official? Doesn’t want to acknowledge that? What even for? That’s bullshit.”

“My advice is,” Yuta says, tone strict, “Give him a choice. Don’t look at me like that. It’s simple, he either makes a deal or he breaks a deal. But this ambiguous bullshit you guys have going on is not doing anyone any good. Least the two of you.”

🍬

Jaemin spends again more and more time in the studio working on all his assignments, trying to prepare for his exhibition - his final, biggest grade for this semester. Also all the other students spend more time in the studio now. Kun was found sleeping there three times during one week. Miyeon’s cubicle is filled with burnt wax she needs for her final project, they now keep the windows opened permanently. Shuhua’s sleeping pattern’s also become questionable as Jaemin finds her coming in sleepy at seven pm and apparently she tends to stay until half past four in the morning sometimes. Yuqi spends half her time in the library, working on research topics and half her time in the studio, either sleeping, eating or working.

“I wonder how long it’s been since I ate anything but instant noodles,” Yuqi mumbles to herself as she’s taking out trash from her cubicle.

She comes back into the studio hall a minute later, Yukhei trailing in after her, obviously in the middle of conversation. Jaemin’s attention falls to how they’re interacting, because of course it does, a small ugly feeling at the back his throat appears when he remembers they used to date. Jaemin normally isn’t jealous, but just the idea of Yukhei ever having labeled Yuqi as the love of his life - as Johnny mentioned, brings this bitter feeling up his throat. He doesn’t like himself for the few seconds. Yukhei laughs, big and happy, and Yuqi’s eyes are hidden in crescents from how hard she’s smiling up at him.

Yukhei’s gaze falls to Jaemin, beaming at him, “Jaeminie!”

Yuqi looks after Yukhei as he’s leaving her behind in order to hurry over to Jaemin, shaking her head lightly, “Hey Jaemin, you got a visitor as you can see.”

Jaemin laughs lightly, “Yeah, I can see that,” he says as Yukhei scoops him up into a tight hug, lifting him off the ground just a few millimeters for a second.

Yuqi gathers some things from her desk before she’s on her way again, “Gotta run to the library again,” she sounds a bit exasperated as she’s bidding her goodbyes to them, “Have fun, you two. But, be good.”

Yukhei just smiles back at her, “I always am,” some sort of inside joke-like lilt in his voice.

Yuqi sighs, smiling, “I know you are, Yukhei,” and leaves.

And good, they are. Yukhei persuades Jaemin to take more and more breaks each time he comes for a visit. The breaks don’t consist just of watching funny compilations on youtube anymore, but mostly they settle on Jaemin’s small couch and kiss; Jaemin’s hands in Yukhei’s hair and Yukhei’s hands at Jaemin’s lower back, under his shirt.

Jaemin always tries to stop them before they’re too far gone. He leans back, a hand pushing Yukhei’s chest back, away from himself, where Yukhei is naturally gravitating. “I need to get back to work,” Jaemin whines.

When Jaemin gets to his feet, Yukhei pulls him back by his wrist, “Two more minutes?” he pouts.

Jaemin sighs, “You’re impossible. If I fail, it’s on you,” he easily falls back into Yukhei’s arms, kissing him once and twice, and the third time they’re just pressing smiles against each other.

With Yukhei leaning his cheek against the top of Jaemin’s head, fingers buried in his hair, Jaemin ends up playing on his phone, showing a dumb meme to him every once in a while.

“Say,” Jaemin finally gathers the courage to break the comfortable silence, pulling away from him, “how long did you and Yuqi date?”

Yukhei shows a surprised expression, “A few weeks at best, why?”

“No reason,” he says, again focusing on his phone, settling into the same position against Yukhei’s side as they were moments ago.

“No, no, hold on,” Yukhei says, tone not as playful anymore, “What is this about?”

Jaemin sits up, looking back at him, worried to ask the real things, but Yuta’s words ring in his ears still, “I’m just curious. You obviously liked her a lot if you were willing to date her for real,” he trails off, looking to the ground between his shoes.

“I- I mean, yeah I did like her. But,” he reaches for Jaemin’s elbow to get him to look up again, “Don’t compare these things, please? I don’t-. I thought I liked Yuqi for real, I thought it was a forever or something. I was dumb, clearly. Dating isn’t forever,” he searches Jaemin’s face for any sort of response, “I just want to enjoy what we have when we have it. Is it that bad?”

He sounds a bit pitiful to Jaemin, hurt, even. Jaemin wants to wash that all away. He sighs, “It’s not, it’s not bad. I also just want to enjoy all this as well. Forget I asked.” Jaemin leans in to kiss Yukhei’s lips, all sweet and pliant, to make up for upsetting him.

“I do like you,” Yukhei whispers into the kisses, “I like you a lot.”

Not enough if this can’t feel like a forever to you, Jaemin thinks but doesn’t say.

🍬

yukhei:  
party at soojin’s this friday? :D  
gotta celebrate the end of the semester and all (: 

Jaemin:  
:o might be fun!! count me in :>

yukhei:  
haha ofc it’ll be fun we’ll be together after all :DD 

🍬

Jaemin and Yukhei walk together over to Soojin’s, a fancier neighborhood. Yukhei mentions Yuqi also lives nearby and something in Jaemin stirs a little. Yukhei liked her enough to date, however superficial it might have been according to Johnny and Yuta, Yukhei’s been to her house. A silly, irrational part of his mind wants him to give Yukhei a choice, just like Yuta suggested.

Jaemin almost wants to say it out loud, but at the same time doesn’t want to ruin the night for either of them. He’s looking forward to spending time with Jeno and Donghyuck as well, he’s not about to make himself sad with his dumb issues with Yukhei.

Soojin, turns out, is a lot of fun to be around. A cute, bubbly girl offering drinks left and right. She’s really touchy, pulling Yukhei by his forearm as she’s giving them the tour.

Jaemin parts from Yukhei at some point and finds his way to the kitchen, right to the drinks, where he finds Jeno, Donghyuck and Renjun. They all drink together a little, but Jaemin isn’t planning to catch up to them as all three of them seem to be a bit further on.

“Been pre-gaming for tonight, Renjunie?” Jaemin asks, smiling wide at him, humored.

“Donghyuck’s idea. I’m just tagging along here,” Renjun shrugs a few times before they clink cheers with another glass.

“What’s your poison tonight, Jaemin?” Jeno throws an arm around his shoulders. “We’re cooking something up with Hyuck, something for everyone.”

Jaemin gives him a quizzical look, and Renjun steps in, “Don’t listen to him, they’re just ruining all the alcohol they find by putting it all together. It’s gonna be disgusting and undrinkable and you know it, Jeno.”

Jeno pulls away from Jaemin, shrugging, “Suit yourselves,” to Donghyuck he says, “We’re doing this, aren’t we?”

“Hell yeah, we are!” Donghyuck responds decisively before they raise their glasses and both down the muddy colored alcoholic drinks. From the looks of it, they’re regretting it immediately, but it doesn’t stop them from drinking more of it, just mixed in different ratios.

During the next moments spent with Renjun in the kitchen watching their roommates being dumb, Jaemin draws more strength from another drink and a half, and then one shot, before he localizes Yukhei talking to Mark. Jaemin takes a deep breath and walks over to them.

Yukhei is expecting him with a light smile on his lips, arm extended to him, ready to pull him closer by the shoulders.

Jaemin enjoys the all-familiar moment with him just for a beat before he pouts up at Yukhei from under his arm, “Yukhei, I have an important question for you.”

“Oh yeah? What is it?” Yukhei sounds humored already, looks down at him with a wide smile.

Jaemin pulls away a little, “First question: how sober or drunk are you?”

Yukhei squints, assessing his sobriety, “Sober-ish?”

“How soberish?” the pout is back at Jaemin’s lips.

“I could probably do simple multiplying, but don’t ask me about glycerol compounds? Somewhere between that.” Yukhei is still smiling, slight confusion in the quirk of his lips now.

Jaemin looks down, away from Yukhei and sighs, in a smaller voice he asks “Okay, are you able to hold a semi-serious but somewhat really, really important conversation?”

Yukhei’s tone changes to a serious one, sounding much more sober right away, “Yeah, fuck, sure. What’s up?” He asks and right away is leading Jaemin out of the living-room.

Escaping the crowd, they exit the house to the back porch and Yukhei takes Jaemin by his hand around the corner and they enter a large laundry room from the other side of the house. In the stuffy room, there is no sign of a house party happening in the very same building, no people around, no music can be heard through the walls either.

Jaemin tries to remember why it was so important to him to confront Yukhei about this. Things have been good for the two of them lately. It’s not Yukhei’s fault Jaemin’s got a complex from his previous so-called relationships. But it is as Yuta said after all, Yukhei either makes a deal, or he breaks a deal.

Yukhei looks at him, all worried, holding both of Jaemin’s hands as they stand under the occasionally blinking light bulb, “Is everything okay?”

“I have a question for you.”

“Okay,” Yukhei almost doesn’t breathe.

“I need you to think before you answer, okay? And don't just tell me what you think I want to hear,” Jaemin sees Yukhei nodding along, listening to the instructions well, “Yukhei, what are we, and can we move on to being more, please?”

“Oh,” comes a soft exhale from the boy in front of him. Almost like getting the air knocked out of him.

Jaemin hurries to explain himself, to remedy the surely unreasonable request. Looking down at their hands, he squeezes Yukhei’s fingers, just to get a reassuring squeeze back. “I know you like things the way they are, I do too! But,” he looks up Yukhei, determined, still stumbling on the words clumsily, “Can we…? Could we- Would you want to- will be my boyfriend for real?”

“Jaemin,” Yukhei exhales, like a deep sigh. Relief or fear, Jaemin can’t tell and it’s scaring him.

“I never had a real boyfriend,” Jaemin interrupts him, he talks quickly, almost doesn’t breathe properly, trying to get through all he’s been keeping inside for some time now, away from Yukhei, “There were boys I liked, but they never wanted me in their lives, only in their beds. I- I didn’t want you to be like that. And you’re not!” he adds quickly when he notices Yukhei’s horrified expression. “You’re nothing like them. But my greed for you, for us, has grown. You gave me everything I ever wanted and I’m getting more selfish with you,” Jaemin looks to the ground again, shoulders hanging low, “I know that. But I just-, I just needed to ask. That’s all.”

Yukhei takes a deep breath, “I had no idea how to ask you, I really wanted to, but -- I was scared. And stupid. You’re so sweet after all. I know now--”

“Yukhei,” Jaemin interrupts him again, “Do you want to be my boyfriend or not? It’s that simple at this moment.”

“Yes. Yes, I want to be your boyfriend, Jaemin.” Yukhei looks determined, like he’s been getting ready for this moment for a long time.

Jaemin smiles and leans in to kiss him, hands in Yukhei’s hair, he caresses at the tips of his ears and under his jaw. Yukhei barely exhales against him a shaky breath, “I had no idea if you’d want someone like me-”

“Yukhei? Just shut up for like two minutes, please, then you can talk all you want, okay?” he nods for Yukhei to mirror the action. “Okay.” Jaemin kisses him again, this time Yukhei reciprocates, pulls Jaemin closer, hands at his waist; kissing him eagerly back.

“I wanted this for so long, Jaemin. Just didn’t know how to ask, how to not scare you away-”

“Yukhei,” he chides again, “Has it been two minutes, yet?” Yukhei shakes his head an uncertain no, “I don’t think so, no. So shush. And let me kiss my boyfriend, okay?”

**Author's Note:**

> as always, thanks for reading;  
> leave comments and stuff ✌️


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